If you recently answered an Instagram poll of ours, congratulations and thank you! If you haven’t, you’re a piece of shit! The Heckler signed a contract with the National Security Agency at an undisclosed time in the past which guarantees compensation ($0.04/answer) to The Heckler in exchange for data on its readership. For a safer America and a wealthier Georgetown journalism community, continue answering our polls! God bless America, and God bless our troops!

Okay listen here – the propaganda’s over, but we still want you to vote in our polls. It drives our numbers up and makes our writers feel a certain kind of way. I’ll make a deal with you. For every poll you fill out, we’ll cut you a penny from our four cent payout. It’s a good deal if you ask me. 25% of our revenue? That’s a great fucking deal. You should take that. Just forget about whatever the NSA could do with your information. “Which of the following flavors would make you drink more tap water?” Blah blah who gives a shit? Reader answer poll, reader get shiny copper coin. You won’t have to worry about the flag above your head if you never look up, okay?