Dear Parents,

We at The Heckler understand how hard it is to be away from your children for the first time so we are writing you this letter to put your mind at ease. We promise that your child is learning valuable skills in their first few months on campus. It’s probably their first time doing laundry without you! They probably figured it out at this point, but they might still need your help changing their bedsheets when you come down for parent’s weekend. However, one thing they do not need help with is hanging out with the senior retaking Intro to Languages for the third time that’s teaching them how to smoke weed out of a Sprite can. 

That’s right, your child is now free to make their own choices! This might sound scary but fear not, Thad Michaels (SFS ‘23) is here to make sure that your child knows what kind of weed they are smoking. Thad is also making sure that your child is pushing the button on the weed pen and is definitely making sure they inhale all the way. Without Thad, your child might look like a total loser, be grateful! 

And when Georgetown Day comes around, and your child has a big test in the afternoon, your child will use Thad’s teachings to smoke sativa and only drink light liquor before the test to make sure they don’t throw up in the middle. God bless you, Thad!