Standing alone in the corner of the party with his roommate, Tyler Aswipe (COL ‘24) commented on a few of the female students who were actually socializing with other people. “Nah bro she’s mid” he remarked, blissfully unaware of the more deserved life he would be leading 700 years ago.

Called Stable Pox after everyone who knew his name died before his tenth birthday; Tyler would lead a servile life, scooping his local Duke’s horses’ poop up with his bare hands and trying to avoid getting any of it in his open sores. One day he would see the Duke’s daughter and be struck with such awe at the beauty of someone who once took a bath, that he would go temporarily blind, stumble into a horse’s rear and startle it, causing it to kick him directly in the crotch, thereby permanently castrating him.

A little over a decade later, he would contract the Bubonic Plague from a rat he ate for dinner one night, dying after several agonizing weeks, and be thrown on a corpse cart to be buried in his local mass grave.

In his current life, Tyler will get a job in healthcare consulting for McKinsey and see a bright future ahead of him. However, while attending a horse race he will accidentally walk into a horse’s rear, startling it and causing it to kick him directly in the crotch, thereby permanently castrating him.