“Some may say that my desire to sit on the statue of Archbishop John Carroll is my way of confronting my fear of intimacy with other men and enjoying a deep cooling sensation,” Pence said. “However, this simply isn’t the case. I admire John Carroll because of his Christian faith and because he was a slaveowner.”

Pence explained, “You all know that I refused to say that Black lives mattered. I admire your school’s statue of this enslaver because it implicitly venerates him and justifies his actions. Of course, without the slavery that Carroll established and condoned, Georgetown wouldn’t be here.”

When asked to comment on rumors that he was a giant Lego man with Lego hair that pops off and sits in a cleaning solution at night, Pence’s head spun in a full 360.

At time of print, Pence was attempting to climb onto the statue without help from his security unit, because touching a living person besides Mother would turn him to ash.