NO ONE! No one is laughing, I am in tears, my Professor is in tears, and the rest of the class sits in horror. It’s almost like they’ve never seen someone shit themselves in a seminar class before. 

            I am walking to class, it is day 2500 of my cough, a milestone of sorts, and the tally I keep on my wall has now stretched to my roommate’s side of the room. My throat is raw and the Friday morning hangover is not helping. Like everyone else at this godforsaken school, I seem to be coughing up a lung in each one of my classes. I often shoot people sympathetic smiles but not one of my gestures was returned on this most fateful day. My first coughing fit came and went unnoticed, my face is red, but the class discussion is flowing nicely. I begin coughing again and then fear sets in: the professor has called on me. I try to stifle my cough and the royal jacket meatball sub that I wolfed down prior to this hangs in my peripheral vision. I don’t want to alarm you with the gory details so let’s just say today was definitely not my day and I should have played it safe with my loyal Avo control, even if it is daylight robbery. 

I don’t bother with my laptop or notepad those are forgotten objects now and I run out of the discussion. Reiss Bathroom’s aren’t up to scratch so I hobble to Vittles as I thought this would be more productive than trekking through campus to my dorm. However, I then realized standing in front of the two Corp employees who are already judging me by my mere existence, that they neither sell underwear or take bribes. I actively run to my room, showing how serious the situation was, last time I provided more than a skip was high school sophomore year when they made me try cross country. I open the switch lock app through my blurry tear-filled eyes and scramble to pack my stuff. My suitcases are zipped, my transfer notice is in, and I am headed to the airport. My STIA major and JPMorgan internships are behind me I’m moving, I’m moving to some farm where no one can find me and I’ll roam the fields until I reach my fate. Farewell and Godspeed. P.S In hindsight my professor kind of deserves to get shit on, next time I’ll aim better!