“We like to take any opportunity to honor our most generous alums, particularly if it involves keeping that gay stuff far, far away,” announced School of Foreign Service Dean Joel Hellman at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the brand new closet Georgetown students will now be forced into.

Under the new policy, any out and/or proud members of the Georgetown community will be forcibly expelled and sent to what President DeGioia refers to as “the lowest possible tier of education,” publicly known as American University. According to a recent survey, this demographic constitutes about 20% of the Georgetown community. The remaining 75% of closeted Georgetown students will luckily be allowed to remain part of the community, but “they’re on thin ice.”

While the majority of Georgetown’s faculty was excited to learn of this new policy, one notable dissident includes Jack the Bulldog who, when informed of the change, realized this meant he had to refrain from biting his male handlers’ testicles in the future.

“This is the happiest I’ve been since I was ‘writing policy’ in the Oval Office,” Clinton said of the new policy implementation, adding quizzical air quotes and a sly smirk, “I can only dream that Georgetown will soon choose to ignore an ongoing genocide in Africa.”