ARLINGTON: Sometimes a weekend of peace is all I need to cap off a difficult week working at Deloitte. A family reunion should be a fun way to wind down with the people I love, but my god damn nephew sucks. I try to avoid him at the party but my infectious magnetism seems to always draw a crowd which he smells like wolves smell maimed sheep. Inevitably, he saunters over and starts talking about Fortnite or Among Us or accounting. As a hardened 26 year old I am simply NOT interested in whatever drivel my 19 year old nephew has to say to me. He needs to learn to come to terms with that and find his place as a child. I may be grappling with the challenges of age and my own mortality, but that does NOT give you the right to offer me relish for my hot dog. 

Yes, my 25th birthday feels like it was yesterday and I am burning the oil of my life faster than I had hoped. Yes, I hate the feeling of waking up, still alone, and heading to my unfulfilling job, dreading the next 50 years I will spend on the orange line. NO, that does not mean you can ask me about work or rub the fact that you have a girlfriend in my face. Grow up numbnuts and get the fuck away from me. You are dirt and you always will be. I am older. I am better. I AM GOD.