A dreary December morning. A chorus of muffled coughs. This 9am theology class was like any other. That was, until Stephen Honkerton (SFS ‘26) took a seat. Within moments, Honkerton’s peers saw him reach for the still-damp handkerchief in his pocket, and raise it to his nose. 

SNOOOORT!!!! SNIFF!!!!! HOOOOOONKKKKKK!! No amount of onomatopoeia could aptly describe the situation.

In an exclusive interview for The Heckler, his classmate Hanky Panky (COL ’25) said: “Every head in the room turned to face Mr Honkerton. We all knew what was about to happen, but still, none of us were ready for it. He honked so fucking loud – you, like, literally would not believe.”

And Ms Panky seemed to be right about that; estimates from the scene state that Honkerton blew his nose at approximately 130 decibels, a noise level comparable to that of a jet engine. While Ms Panky seemed shocked by the morning’s events, other eyewitnesses seemed unfazed. When interviewed by our correspondents, student Thomas Andrew Albrecht II (MSB ’26), who preferred to be left unnamed, said “Nah… I’m chill about it now, but bro must be so congested. He does that every class.” 

The Heckler reached out to Mr Honkerton, who declined to comment on the matter.