The infamous coffee chat. You pick a slot on the Google spreadsheet for whatever consulting club you’re convinced will guarantee you success right out of college. You wear your best casual yet slightly professional outfit and meet an apathetic, low-level authority figure member of the club. Wow, Uncommon Grounds is playing Eye of the Tiger, you’ve got this in the bag. Naturally, you’ve shown up thirty minutes early, so you analyze every email you’ve gotten from the club in extreme detail. You see a note reminding you that “Coffee Chats will have no influence over your application process”. In that case, you can now relax, thank goodness.

So when Jenifer, the assistant regional vice president of social media shows up, you breathe a sigh of relief and dap her up. You get in line to order, and when the Corp worker tells you that the flex machine is down, you let loose with an aggressive string of profanities and a list of grievances. You turn to see the horrified expression on Jenifer’s face, “This won’t affect my application process, right?” You ask. She nervously laughs and replies with a no.

With reaffirmed comfort, you decide to get some things off your chest. But before you launch into a rant about how you’ve applied to 10 other clubs and this one is actually your 7th favorite, you send your UG love back because it just doesn’t feel like they made it with enough love. “You guys DIDN’T EVEN draw a heart on my cup!” Now you’ve screamed at a freshman corp employee for the second time in five minutes. You later find out it was her first day.

You sit down and let out a small fart, you don’t think Jenifer heard, but even if she did, it doesn’t matter, none of this can hurt you, you’re invincible. You feel the surge of power running through your veins. Jenifer gets up to go to the bathroom and you grab her purse. She returns to see you leafing through it, “Got any gum?”

“Um, no,” Jenifer snaps, as she grabs her bag back.

“Sorry, I had garlic bread for lunch,” you reply. Jenifer seems moody all of a sudden, must be her time of the month. Jenifer sits back down and for the last five minutes of the chat, you drone on about how you prefer to work alone and struggle to take direct orders. As you walk out, you get the feeling that this didn’t go so well. You turn to Jenifer and say, “Thank god none of this is on the record,” but Jenifer’s already gone. She’s comforting that corp worker you berated, it was her little sister.