Students in the Yates men’s locker room this past Wednesday came in for a shock when the man who was once the leader of the nation’s response to the COVID pandemic utilized the gymnasium’s facilities with little to no regard for basic norms of modesty. Dr. Anthony Fauci, a recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work on PEPFAR, which has provided life-saving assistance to millions of Africans suffering from AIDS, was seen toweling off with no shame after a reportedly grueling workout session.

“Granted, I’ve never seen an 83-year-old crush the StairMaster like that before,” reported Brian Andrews, a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences. “But did he really have to pause for so long after taking off his gym clothes? It was hard to avert my eyes.” Other witnesses independently confirmed the presence of a noticeable birthmark on the former director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases’ lower back.

Dr. Fauci, who joined the Georgetown faculty last year after retiring from government service, has become a dependable presence at Yates, though sometimes a provocative one. The Heckler spoke to several students who claimed that Fauci regularly neglects to wipe down exercise equipment after using it. “Isn’t that supposed to be like, you know, his whole deal?” observed Grud Buckley, a junior in the MSB and a self-described “gym bro.” “I think it’s baller that he’s, like, so yoked. But he leaves old man sweat all over the lifting benches.”