Following an anonymous tip on recent campus canine circumstances, Barbara reports on our findings after a protected other Heckler went undercover in the Office of Neighborhood Life:
The Office of Neighborhood Life at Georgetown has apparently been working overtime since their Summer ‘24 Census brought troubling news: Jack the Bulldog’s approval rating has plunged since last year, but Crouton’s? Man, it’s through the roof. Something about that lil’ guy and his wobbly saunter just makes me want to cut my own goddamn leg off.
Last year, Jack the Bulldog and Crouton toed the line of a tie for their third year in a row, with Crouton averaging fourteen people stopping per day for pats and Jack at sixteen. This year, a survey specifically centered on student engagement found that Crouton received a whopping average of twenty-seven PPD. In stark contrast, Jack was falling between the seven-to-nine range. An emergency meeting was immediately held in the back room of the Office.
After hours and under the shield of darkness, Members arrived donned in dark hooded cloaks, holding lit taper candles, and huddled around an unconscious Jack to discuss what could possibly be afoot. Crediting it to the fact that the sudden passing of the previous Jack last summer occurred after the ‘23 census, the committee decided it would be best to subject the new Jack to another tragedy, but this time one he would survive, thus raising both approval and engagement numbers.
Appealing to the time-old sympathy-evoking concept that is a tripod dog, as well as the bulldog breed’s existing hip issues, it was formally decided to remove Jack’s hind leg and really fuck with his gait. One of our other Heckler writers, a frontline correspondent acting as a plant in the committee, reported that the members expect student commiseration over Jack to “absolutely destroy any attention to that crusty canine little bread bit bitch Toast or whatever the fuck his name is; I don’t even care anymore.” A historic second Census will be held over Thanksgiving break to give Jack a chance to recover from the amputation, and gauge his new numbers.
