This past Friday was no regular Friday for two Hecklers, Ranth Rue and Rufus Wheeler Peckham. But no one knew how abnormal it would become.
The two Hecklers, intending to rejoice in the lead-up to their 21st, had their plans wildly disrupted when a third Heckler, I.M. Randy, arrived at the function.
Randy barreled through the door, knocking it from its hinges as he stood forebodingly in its frame. Standing at 6 feet 9 inches, I.M. Randy’s height was extended by the speaker on his shoulder, playing a 10-hour loop of the “WHERE THE FUCK THE FUNCTION” verse from Drake’s NOKIA. Immediately, panties dropped. Most women at said function fell to their knees, overcome with a physical affliction where they compulsively began crawling towards Randy.
“Yeah, that’s right, ladies. Stay on them knees,” Randy was reported to have said.
Another Heckler, Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT, was interviewed about the events: “Yes, it’s true. I was one of the panty droppers. It’s not that I couldn’t help it—It was like I was totally possessed, overcome with the need to not just drop ‘em but fling ‘em at Randy. He caught them left-handed. Fuck. So hot. God, I could replay that moment all day. He draped them across his head like the crown jewels.”
When asked if her pursuit was successful, the Duchess replied that it was, in fact, not.
Ranth and Rufus, however, were the luckiest two at the function. They needn’t even drop their panties before Randy beelined over. “Hey, baddies, I heard today was your special day,” he said. “Want to get suited for the occasion?” Rufus giggled as Randy pushed his hair behind his ear. Ranth questioned what kind of suit. “Rawr,” exclaimed Randy. “The birthday suit.”
Within seconds, they obliged. The three (now known as R³, their official polycule name) immediately fled the function. Many Hecklers at the event were confused, not sure what to do without the birthday boys. Others were inconsolable, forced to watch their endgame choose another two over them.
Club relations have been strained since, and no one has seen or heard from either Ranth, Rufus, or Randy. Rumor has it they are aiming to break Yoko Ono and John Lennon’s bed-in record. Hecklers believe this will be an easy feat.
