WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to sources in a lackluster senior’s closet, this freshly pressed blue suit is ready to score John Mitchell (COL’ 17) a job. While Mitchell has few desirably qualities and is overall a mediocre candidate, this well-fitted and starkly pressed two-piece is positive that it can outshine any and all of Mitchell’s […]

HARBIN – So! The shower stalls of Harbin 7 were unusually quiet – until this morning, when the notorious Shower Masturbator laid waste to Stall 7-C, leaving a sticking trail in his villainous wake. He left it in wreckage, strewn with his remnants and the markers of his power. “Yeah I heard it. Was right […]

HEALY— A Philodemic Society debate went off the rails this past Thursday when a routine cufflink-related disagreement escalated into a large-scale brawl. Members of the club who witnessed the chaos said that the brawl damaged three hundred-year-old oil paintings, five handcrafted mahogany chairs, and a number of fragile egos. “To be sure, The Philodemic Society […]

GOSHEN, EGYPT – As the Jewish people prepare for their flight from Egypt, their leader, Moses, reminded everybody to use the bathroom before they leave. In a public statement to his people, Moses said, “I know God will protect us, but this is going to be a hell of a trip. So why doesn’t everybody […]

GEORGETOWN HOSPITAL – Noting that his arm had in fact finished healing after spending the last eight weeks in a cast, Harrison Crenshaw’s (SFS ‘19) doctors nonetheless refused to remove the cast until the Chicago native returned with more signatures. “I treat all sorts of injuries here from fractured ankles to broken backs, but I […]

RED SQUARE – Stating that “everything we do, we do for our loyal voters who deserve better,” sources indicate that Garet and Habon have now been tabling for 37 straight days with nothing but water and political righteousness to keep them sustained. “Due to a disappointing outcome in this year’s GUSA presidential elections, we will […]

New reports confirm that the resident troll behind the door to an optional discussion section still hasn’t gotten a chance to try out any of the new material he’s come up with. The troll has been unable to unleash his new riddles for weeks now due the total lack of life on Walsh 395 at […]

REISS – Despite hours upon hours spent studying and comprehending required course readings, sources report that Junior David Rothstein will receive another disappointing C+ this semester after his participation grade was mercilessly sucker-punched by his crippling social anxiety. “This class places a large emphasis on me hearing from you,” threatened his professor maliciously, with mocking […]

CHURCH – Vice President of the United States Mike Pence was reportedly sitting solemnly in a church pew at a local Washington D.C. area same sex wedding. Pence was overheard quietly whispering “In the name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I object to this union” to himself during the vow ceremony. “Here it comes” […]