HEALY HALL, GEORGETOWN – In a sudden development in the 2017 GUSA election, over 200 emails from a candidate team were leaked late Tuesday night revealing a trail of massive corruption and a set of depressing Friday night plans. The leak exposed multiple messages between the candidates and club leaders pledging GUSA funding in return […]

Given GUSA’s reputation as a platform for self-indulgence and resume building, it is always a great change of pace to have candidates who demonstrate high character and values in the GUSA presidential election, and whose daddies’ lawyers also happen to send very in-depth letters about violations of federal libel law. We have come to see […]

When it comes to a position as coveted and impactful as the GUSA Executive Office, one has to be prudent and careful before publicly advocating for a certain candidate. This is why, after long careful consideration of their commitment, work-ethic, and reliability, the Heckler would like to give our official endorsement to Enushe Khan and […]

The Heckler would like to extend a reminder to all of the current GUSA candidates: we do in fact accept bribes. We’ll take bribes in any form at any time. Money, beer, food, you name it. Want a nice, flattering article about how you once saved a small child from falling off of a bridge […]

WASHINGTON – Election season is in full swing on the Hilltop, and students are preparing themselves for what should be an exciting few weeks of getting to know the candidates and their platforms. But the burning question is, of course, which duo is the favorite to win it all this year? We checked with some […]

GEORGETOWN – With the election for the Georgetown University Student Association’s presidential team fast approaching, analysts are suggesting that the candidates probably support continuing to fund SAC, right? I mean, I think so. Through a series of targeted videos, which detailed the candidates’ teams, agendas, and major running points, the student body has a pretty […]

I am the man of my house: the ideal father and husband, I make my sweet daughter giggle; I chastise my smart son when he is a little too smart; and I always give extreme sexual pleasure to my lovely wife. But no matter what I do, I can’t get my caveman under control. All […]

DARNALL – After compiling and entering his personal information late Monday evening, Gerald Hammon’s (COL ‘20) program that he created to find his one true love encountered a fatal runtime error. “The program froze on the screen and then just took an abnormal exit, I have no idea what could of caused it” said the […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a tense, two-hour discussion on a variety of pressing political issues, the venerable Scat Master “Bee Bop” Johnson summarized the proceedings by stating, “Woo doo bop, shoo bop di wop wop zinga zoom baah.” After such a display of eloquence, the conference room in which the discussions were held fell silent […]

THE KITCHEN – In a display of principle and conviction, sources indicate that unless Mom extends TV time until 5:30p.m, 7-year old Bennett Schiffman will hold his breath until he dies. “Frankly, I was shocked” said Bennett’s mother, while fixing him and his friends a nice snack. “I knew he loved TV, but I didn’t […]