WASHINGTON, DC – A report released Monday evening by the Bureau of Justice Statistics revealed a shocking study showing that Spy was almost 4 times more likely to be arrested than Spy. “The numbers tell a pretty disturbing story. We can’t have dangerous individuals like Spy out there threatening those citizens just trying to do […]

The Trump administration has been criticized in recent weeks for the apparent nepotism at play in the appointing of Ivanka Trump as an official advisor to the President. Trump defended giving his daughter such a prominent role in the administration, saying that since she was already married, he could not secure her position in society […]

To Whom It May Concern, You are fools. You hold up this silly Bulldog on high. That dog with his sad, unimpressed face. And that silly human name you’ve given him. “Jack,” is it? Surely he detests you, you must know that. Perhaps you do not, but I shall pretend no longer. I often wonder […]

WASHINGTON, D.C.— Recent reports have shown that a perfectly benign-looking local seventh grader is actually the ruthless autocrat of a sprawling Minecraft kingdom. The ostensibly kind youth presides over a complex political machine, demanding incalculable resources from territory that belongs to his friends, at punishment of death. “This is my server, you guys,” boomed the voice […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a botched beef stroganoff and two hours of circular, overly-polite conversation, Press Secretary Sean Spicer reportedly re-ensured his six miserable dinner guests that they were, in fact, having a wonderful time. “Why do keep using that word? ‘Boring’. We didn’t use that word. It’s not boring. People need to understand how […]

Here it is folks. Someone’s finally done it. Over its many years as an institution of higher learning, many Georgetown students have wandered the sacred and historic campus grounds, perhaps eating a GUGS burger or just chatting with some friends about the latest pop culture. But underneath all that mirth, they have been all secretly […]

THE HECKLER WOULD LIKE TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC THAT THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL OUT OF THE ORDINARY OCCURRING. CONTRARY TO THE TONE IMPLIED BY THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS IN THIS POST, THERE IS NOTHING NOTEWORTHY TO REPORT. EVERYONE EXPERIENCING DISTRESS AT THE APPARENT URGENCY OF THIS RELEASE SHOULD IMMEDIATELY TAKE COMFORT. WE […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to sources in a lackluster senior’s closet, this freshly pressed blue suit is ready to score John Mitchell (COL’ 17) a job. While Mitchell has few desirably qualities and is overall a mediocre candidate, this well-fitted and starkly pressed two-piece is positive that it can outshine any and all of Mitchell’s […]

HARBIN – So! The shower stalls of Harbin 7 were unusually quiet – until this morning, when the notorious Shower Masturbator laid waste to Stall 7-C, leaving a sticking trail in his villainous wake. He left it in wreckage, strewn with his remnants and the markers of his power. “Yeah I heard it. Was right […]