In a surprise reversal after years of presidential tradition, President Trump replaced all the bowling balls in the White House with tennis balls that look like bowling balls. This shocking shake up is coming after years of presidents and staffers alike enjoying normal bowling balls of ordinary bowling ball sizes. Reports from inside the White […]

Taxes are just the worst. Not only are they impossible to understand, but they also make such a dent in your wallet. Luckily for you, we’ve talked to the leading expert in tax and tax theory, the Lord Almighty, in order to get some real insider tips on how to avoid giving the government your […]

In a stunning recent development, it has become clear that R on myAccess schedules stands for Thursday.   Up until this point, it has been up to the general population to make their best guess about what this confusing notation was trying to communicate—resulting in a decades-long misunderstanding. This clarification is an important milestone for […]

BURLEITH – Hold onto your seats folks, because sources indicate that late Thursday afternoon, Senior Joseph Barnes (COL ’18) officially announced that this year would be the year that he loses his virginity. “This is it boys,” proclaimed Barnes to a room of acquaintances who were not paying attention. “Victory lap. I can just feel […]

Oh great guardian of conservatism! Come forth from the depths of thou supply side. I summon thee President Ronald Reagan. Speak! Let me see thy face!     I have crossed the lands far and wide. Reagan Reagan on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?     Is it Ted Cruz? He […]

KENNEDY HALL – After coming up empty on each of his first three attempts, sources confirmed that the search for sophomore Ryan Warwick’s keys had reached the final pocket of the history major’s jeans. “I usually keep them in the front-right pocket to counterbalance the weight of my phone in the front-left, so when they […]

HARBIN – This morning Maxwell Crouch (SFS ’21) reportedly shoved a world map poster his roommate bought into an industrial-strength shredder due to the outdated Sudanese borders. It’s the latest in a string of similar incidents with SFS students. Just last week an SFS sophomore ripped several decorative national flags out of Village A windows on […]

Alright. Okay. I can do this. I’ll be strong.   Hello. My name is Todd Olson and this is my story. It was near midnight, and it was raining again. The Healy tower bells tolled loudly, with echoes creeping in from every corner. I was on my nightly shuffle across red square in route to […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – Sources report that local SAE fraternity brother, Donald Pendle (COL ’18), is now just one more lecture on what consent means and how to prevent sexual harassment from finally respecting women. After another series of emails and lectures repeating the common sense message of respecting the bodily autonomy of women, friends of […]