Alright. Okay. I can do this. I’ll be strong.   Hello. My name is Todd Olson and this is my story. It was near midnight, and it was raining again. The Healy tower bells tolled loudly, with echoes creeping in from every corner. I was on my nightly shuffle across red square in route to […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – Sources report that local SAE fraternity brother, Donald Pendle (COL ’18), is now just one more lecture on what consent means and how to prevent sexual harassment from finally respecting women. After another series of emails and lectures repeating the common sense message of respecting the bodily autonomy of women, friends of […]

MIAMI, FL. – Irma. The name on everyone’s lips. She’s huge, powerful, and 100% in the spotlight. But who was Irma before all of the attention? How did a little tropical storm suddenly become the headline on the five o’clock news? After a juicy insider tip about Irma’s origins, reporters did some digging in the warm, […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – Sources report that the wise-cracking Philosophy professor is still fervently hoping to be found by hidden talent scouts in his lecture halls. The sources explained that Georgetown professor Isaac Hampton has been continuously updating his just slightly off-color joke catalog for nearly 18 years. “You never know when someone with connections will […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Local newborn is reportedly exhausted after an intense, fast-paced first day. After going into that stressful day ready to learn from experience and colleagues, infant James Garfield has made it known to family and friends that today was just too much of a whirlwind to handle. “We took James on with the […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – In a response to multiple accounts of racist graffiti drawn around campus, Georgetown President Jack DeGioia firmly declared that, “at Georgetown, any acts of racism or bigotry will always be met with the sternest of emails.” After swatiskas were found in the elevators in Village C West on Tuesday and LXR on […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – After spending over a century wandering the grounds where New South is now, a particularly unlucky Jesuit ghost has found himself eternally bound to the third men’s toilet stall on the second floor of New South. According to university records, Friar Thomas McDonnell S.J. was buried on the south side of campus […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – Despite having declared the entire 2017-2018 school year as hers, sophomore Anna Daniels (NHS ’20) has still managed to bungle up almost every aspect of her school year so far. “Anna was so confident that this was her year to shine,” said roommate Heather Huang (NHS ’20), “but on her first day […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – After vowing to make affordability a pillar of their administration, GUSA Executives Mack and Andino have finally started bridging the widening economic gap between upper-middle, and upper class students. Not wanting any student with already a moderate amount of wealth to not get the full, height-of-luxury Georgetown experience, GUSA has released discount […]