SAN FRANCISCO – In an effort to reverse the tide on company revenue amidst heavy critique from shareholders last quarter, Uber made the announcement earlier today that they will be offering 25% off fares in exchange for the scalp of a Lyft driver. Lucky for rideshare enthusiasts who always on the go, getting this discount […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. With the excitement of election season is dying down, GUSA seems at an impasse now that their main campaign agenda item has already been achieved. According to a GUSA spokesman earlier this morning, the institution is “not entirely sure” what to do next now that it seems like the senate is “pretty dang […]

In an act of true romance, sources indicate that on Tuesday night MSB Student Gerard Hampton (‘19) chose to forward an email detailing a lucrative internship opportunity to his crush Suzanne Rice (MSB ‘20). Hampton said that he knew he had to make a big statement to Rice that would “show Suzy how deep my […]

NATIONAL HARBOR, M.D. – After another successful weekend for the Georgetown Sailing Team, expectations continue to rise to new heights. Currently ranked the No. 1 Coed team in the nation, many fans forecast a championship in the team’s future, or at least several brutal lightning raids on lightly defended coastal towns. Senior Sailing Captain, Chip Lugworth (MSB […]

We have all had that one amazing professor that completely changes our lives for the better. What can you say to a person who has had such a profound impact on your life? Sometimes it can be impossible to find the right words. Other times, you find the wrong words but say them anyway and […]

ARLINGTON – Every parent can be a tiny bit too strict sometimes – it’s natural. The CEO of the internationally acclaimed consumer advice publication U.S. News and World Report just proved he’s no different: this morning he released a comprehensive ranking of his four kids. “What do the best universities and the best families have […]

Listen up you pitiful pimply children, you may listen to me and stare upon my visage, but you will NEVER be me. How many books have you written? How many have you edited? I didn’t think so. I’ve have six. Have you even read six books you ignorant nincompoop? Did you know that I was […]

All we ever hear about nowadays from the screaming shrill left is sexist this, sexist that. Everything is sexist nowadays! Work is sexist; schools are sexist; pets are probably sexist; patriarchy this, patriarchy that, there is sexism everywhere! Well today I’m gonna tell you the truth about one of the big places that the REAL […]