While we often disagreed in our service as Justices, Antonin Scalia was a good friend of mine and his passing has left a hole in the Supreme Court of the United States. Even worse, his passing has left a hole at shortstop for our SCOTUS Softball Team. Today I plead to the Democrats in Congress: […]

As the weather warms up for Spring 2017, don’t walk but run to your nearest dark web portal to be the first to snap up this year’s hottest new black market kidneys! Whether for a loved one or just as a treat to yourself, we know your latex-gloved fingers have been itching to get a […]

GEORGETOWN – After executing almost two-thirds of a complicated lecture on corrosive inorganic solutions, chemistry professor Dr. Elizabeth Cornwell expressed that she could not quite figure out just how this particular slide got into the powerpoint. Dr. Cornwell did not miss a beat for nearly 45 minutes, touching on each diagram and every word of […]

REISS – Last Monday, a small cohort of sommeliers gathered around a 1968 Elkay EZS8L water fountain on the third floor of the Reiss Science building to examine a recent discovery. “That’s it, that’s certainly proscecco,” chuckled Eduard Torro, a veteran sommelier. “Well obviously we thought this was some big hoax, I mean, some random […]

Don’t believe everything you read on the internet! I was hoping to skip a visit to the doctor’s after noticing some strange symptoms, but WebMD’s diagnosis was laughable! After a few days of probably seasonal periodic blindness, I woke up on Wednesday profusely sweating blood. What a pain, right? Anyways, I wiped my bloody brow […]

CLEVELAND, OHIO – Take that socialism! Libertarians everywhere cheered last Tuesday when Derrick Clarkson of Cleveland took the last eight hot buffalo wings from the buffet at Golden Corral, exactly as he should. The Free Market system is the only way to regulate the relation of goods, money, and man. And Mr. Clarkson embraced that […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Chaos broke out on the Senate chamber floor yesterday as the senior senator from South Carolina, Ed Baldwin, removed his mask and jacket only to reveal his true identity: two children in a horse costume. “We just couldn’t believe this could happen right in front of us,” remarked Baldwin’s senate colleague, Olympia […]

FOGGY BOTTOM – The administration of Donald Trump announced Tuesday morning that Marcus Dewalt (SFS ’19), an intern at the State Departments’ Bureau of Administration, had been promoted to Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs. “We expect great things of Mr. Dewalt, who has already shown his promise by re-organizing the Bureau’s paper stocks,” […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The group responsible for the frequent public animal sacrifices on the first floor of Reiss has come forward this week to distance themselves from any claims of religious affiliation. Most Hoyas have become accustomed to the wild drumbeats, shooting flames, and not entirely unpleasant lingering smell of barbeque that accompany the rituals which […]

DEMOCRATIC REPULIBC OF CONGO – Despite many competing competitors, the Jungle has again won the title of being the best place to be raised by gorillas. “Every year, we conduct a study with the aim of finding the best possible habitat, surroundings, and geography for a little kid to be taught how to live by […]