36th STREET — Following a daylong political rally by the White House in which student-run organization Hoyas For Immigrant Amnesty demanded immediate naturalization for all 11.7 million illegal immigrants, the group unceremoniously kicked out a half dozen party crashers from their evening festivities. At approximately 11:30 p.m. that evening, Communications Officer Terrance Ricker (MSB ’16) […]

HARBIN FIELD — Calling it “the first step in the journey toward manhood,” the Georgetown University football team anxiously anticipated its first victory against Brown University as the final seconds ticked away. “I’m really proud of these guys. It’s a special day for all of them,” said Head Coach Ron Sglarta. “They finally found a […]

O STREET — A visibly intoxicated John Kerry reportedly spent his Thursday night inquiring from the stoop of his O Street house about the social going-ons of the evening. Described as slumped against the railing for much of the evening and into the early hours of the morning, the current Secretary of State would ask […]

Following a long and heated debate regarding the cultural theme of Georgetown University’s newest academic building, university administrators announced Friday that the recently completed Intra-Cultural Center will specifically focus on Serbian culture and accomplishments. Sorting through hundreds of potential cultures over the course of seven months, university officials and students finally came to an agreement […]

LEAVEY CENTER — Citing constant malfunctions from their current espresso machine, Uncommon Grounds’ (“UG”) Director of Operations announced that the storefront will soon be using an alternative-fuel device to make students’ coffee. The Rejectionetti, an in-house model developed by the Student’s of Georgetown’s (“The Corp”) Information Technology Department, will be powered solely by rejected applications […]

VILLAGE C WEST — Saying there was “no way” she could hold out any longer against one of the hotter trends among the freshmen class, freshman Sarah Lancaster (COL ’18) decided Tuesday night to acquire an anxiety disorder of her own. Noticing that many of her friends and floor mates had either come to college […]

On 18 September, the people of Scotland will choose whither to separate from the United Kingdom and become a free nation. This referendum is just another part of the centuries-long struggle of our people against the tyranny of the English bastards to the south—a struggle in which I am proud to hae played no small […]

BROWN HOUSE — Last week when texting friends about weekend plans sophomore Kate Young (MSB ’17) purportedly gave the same response to all who inquired, “I am going to Brown House on Thursday!! Kill me. HOW EMBARRASSING.” Young’s weekend plans took an unexpected turn when the host of her friend’s birthday became unexpectedly available and […]