GEORGETOWN – It is a cold and sobering day for Georgetown athletics. Early this afternoon, unexpecting students received the heartbreaking news that the Georgetown administration, despite extensive efforts, has failed to retain beloved head coach John Thompson III. “This loss comes as a shock to all of us,” explained athletics director John McKenzie, between large gulps […]

GEORGETOWN – After finally taking time off from reading Nietzsche to consider his career path, philosophy major Christopher Peck (COL ’17) has changed his LinkedIn profile to say that he is seeking a position as a Philosopher King. “I’ve been thinking about how to apply my coursework to make the world a more ideal place, and […]

PORTLAND, O.R. – A Benihana restaurant was evacuated this Thursday evening following the eruption of a chef’s onion volcano. “It was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. I mean he just pulled an onion apart, stacked the rings, and then all the sudden there’s just smoke pouring out of the thing.”said restaurant diner Peter Tatum, […]

A recent study from John Hopkins University has shown that as many as one out of five people in the United States are unaware that they have schizophrenia, and that there’s a good chance that you’re one of them. The study explained that due to the reality-shaping nature of schizophrenia, many of those affected are […]

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – I have always lived my life by one simple principle: be prepared. That is why for the past seven years of my professional career, I have filled my briefcase with nothing but Smucker’s grape jelly. Every morning, I retrieve my briefcase from its place in the fridge and every night I […]

BALTIMORE, MD – This Thursday afternoon a local 99 year old woman, and apparently a complete quitter, Susan Edelran died. “It’s really a shame that mom had to give up on life just a few weeks before hitting that big 100. I guess she really just was a total slacker when it came down to […]

Sophomore Davis Buckley (COL ’19) had always had an interest in Latin American cultures. But he had never even been to another country or ever connected with someone from there on a personal level. It was a far away dream for him. But, one day last year, Davis realized he could make a real connection […]

New York City, NY — Americans are increasingly finding love later in life, according to a new study published by a group of aging single researchers. “Needless to say these findings are very exciting for us as researchers and as singles ourselves,” one researcher commented, adding that they would still like to conduct additional research […]

Washington, D.C. – Secretary Betsy DeVos announced today that her ghostwriter will be Eric Carl, the Author of the beloved “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” series. In response to her sudden prominence after being appointed Secretary of Education, now Secretary DeVos has decided to publish a memoir written by her long-time favorite novelist. Devos reported that she […]