WHITE-GRAVENOR 311— While admitting that the department chair will “probably raise hell about this,” Sociology Professor Bill Valentine waived the course’s enrollment cap and signed the add/drop form of the embalmed corpse of Andrew Jackson to allow the deceased former president to take his “Sociology of Dying” course. “I’ve heard the University’s rationale about cracking […]

NEVILS — Within thirty minutes of receiving her key from the LXR RHO, Junior Mary Cosgrove (SFS ’16) reportedly had already condensed her more than four months living in Scotland to six words in conversation. “Really good! Glad to be back,” Cosgrove repeatedly told different acquaintances upwards of a dozen times Tuesday afternoon throughout campus […]

ATLANTA, GA — Saying “a lot of stuff just came up,” Sophomore Aaron Sergio (COL ’17) informed assembled reporters that his objective of getting into shape over the two week winter break was going to be condensed into tomorrow, January 5th. “I had a pretty detailed, twice a day work out regimen in mind throughout […]

EUGENE, OR — As Georgetown University’s winter break enters the home stretch, many students are pushing their bodies’ paleness to the limits to achieve the coveted “Netflix tan” from the glowing screen of their computers. “I just want to come back to school with the ideal level of cringe-inducing pastiness. When people look at me […]

ALEXANDRIA, VA — A Student Neighborhood Assistance Program (SNAPs) Officer visiting his mother’s house in Virginia reportedly broke up his family’s New Year’s party shortly after midnight. Many of the partygoers, roughly two dozen members of the DeKalb family, discreetly exited through the back door after Duncan DeKalb informed the hosts that the family gathering […]

MADISON, WI — Following almost three consecutive months of looking at his phone in cool weather, Sophomore Taylor Fairbanks (COL ’17) has been reportedly “very much looking forward” to staring at his phone in a new, warmer location in a few days. “When my family first said we were going to Puerto Rico over winter […]

TACOMA, WA — Since returning home over ten days ago from Georgetown, Freshman and Corp new hire Darren Ryan (SFS ’18) expressed confusion to reporters that his social status among his high school classmates has not budged since his employment as a cashier with More Uncommon Grounds (MUG) began in September. “I don’t get it, […]

NORTH POLE — A North Pole man recently awoke in an area bar following a week long bender in which he purchased toys for roughly 45% of the children on Earth. “I’m just not the same person after I have a few drinks,” said the eternally elderly man through his wistful white beard as he […]