On the night of April 21st, 2014, I dreamt that David Rubenstein, Georgetown’s Vice President of Finance and Treasurer, was chasing me down an endless corridor of funhouse mirrors.  As I flew in terror across those white marble checkered floors, I could hear Rubenstein’s voice bellowing over a haunted cacophony of cash register cha-chings and […]

It took me a while to write this.  I just… I haven’t been well recently.  Waking up every morning knowing that life as I know it will effectively end in just a few months has got me pretty depressed.  As of May 21st, 2014, Capital One will no longer be a part of my Georgetown […]

Displaying a hauntingly agonized countenance, a breaded and flash-fried Leo O’Donovan has entered his third week of promoting the popular “Chicken Finger Thursdays” against his will. The former president of Georgetown University has now stood outside of the dining hall that bears his name for 504 straight hours at the direct order of current President […]

During the second of her twice-daily walks to Yates Field House, Georgetown University in-house dietitian Bethany Douglas saw your gelatinous frame struggling to walk up a hill and thought about it for a long time, sources confirmed Thursday. Concluding that your exercise routine is non-existent and that your diet consists solely of suet smothered in […]

Failing to mention the drunk driving accident that killed both of his parents Christmas morning, Jeremy Heisner (COL ’15) expressed to an acquaintance Tuesday that his winter break was “pretty good,” sources confirmed. Striving to maintain propriety despite having attended his parents’ funeral less than 72 hours before, Heisner reportedly told Michelle Delaine (COL ’16), […]