WASHINGTON. Area man Craig Towson would like to make clear that his obnoxious behavior, as phallocentric as it may seem, is in no way linked to his small penis. While sources confirm that his penis is indeed quite unremarkable and in many senses disappointing, his many other insecurities clearly trump this one. One would only […]

Sharing space can be tricky sometimes—especially when your roommate needs the room for a romantic rendezvous. It’s the right thing to do to give your roommate the space she needs, but sometimes it can be hard to fill the time. Here are some suggestions for fun activities that will make this inconvenience fly by.   […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. With the excitement of election season is dying down, GUSA seems at an impasse now that their main campaign agenda item has already been achieved. According to a GUSA spokesman earlier this morning, the institution is “not entirely sure” what to do next now that it seems like the senate is “pretty dang […]

In a stunning recent development, it has become clear that R on myAccess schedules stands for Thursday.   Up until this point, it has been up to the general population to make their best guess about what this confusing notation was trying to communicate—resulting in a decades-long misunderstanding. This clarification is an important milestone for […]

MIAMI, FL. – Irma. The name on everyone’s lips. She’s huge, powerful, and 100% in the spotlight. But who was Irma before all of the attention? How did a little tropical storm suddenly become the headline on the five o’clock news? After a juicy insider tip about Irma’s origins, reporters did some digging in the warm, […]

The Trump administration has been criticized in recent weeks for the apparent nepotism at play in the appointing of Ivanka Trump as an official advisor to the President. Trump defended giving his daughter such a prominent role in the administration, saying that since she was already married, he could not secure her position in society […]

THE HECKLER WOULD LIKE TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC THAT THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL OUT OF THE ORDINARY OCCURRING. CONTRARY TO THE TONE IMPLIED BY THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS IN THIS POST, THERE IS NOTHING NOTEWORTHY TO REPORT. EVERYONE EXPERIENCING DISTRESS AT THE APPARENT URGENCY OF THIS RELEASE SHOULD IMMEDIATELY TAKE COMFORT. WE […]

New reports confirm that the resident troll behind the door to an optional discussion section still hasn’t gotten a chance to try out any of the new material he’s come up with. The troll has been unable to unleash his new riddles for weeks now due the total lack of life on Walsh 395 at […]

GEORGETOWN – In an effort to combat lagging print readership, Hoya executives have added a scruffy street urchin to their marketing team. Students should be on the lookout for the small boy’s ragged felt cap and prepubescent cries of “Extra! Extra! 5-page spread on GUSA spending!” as early as next month. The new strategy hopes […]