Heh. Would you look at that. Never thought of it that way. How weird would it be if we spelled ‘pepperoni’ that way, huh? Pretty fuckin’ weird, I would say. “Uh, excuse me, can I please have one large pepperoine pizza?” Only a dumbass would say something like that. Not me. I’m not a dumbass. […]

TUNNELS– John Doe (MSB ’21) was extremely proud to be elected as the Marketing Representative of his secret society, which obviously will remain nameless, because it’s a secret. Doe was proud of his society which promoted wealth and homogeny.   However, things are starting to turn sour for Doe as he’s starting to wonder what […]

In what should be disturbing news for all red-blooded patriots at Georgetown University, the investigative journalism division of The Heckler recently uncovered damning evidence that the repressive regime of The Caravel is currently using their office to hide weapons of mass destruction.   Don’t believe us? Well, just look at the rock-solid evidence:   For […]

GEORGETOWN– Closed after what was reported as a ‘steam leak,’ the Kober-Cogan Building, which was named after former dental school Dean William Cogan, was demolished Wednesday, releasing a chilling whisper at its untimely demise. “The dental school shall rise again…” hissed a sinister voice as a cold wind rushed out of the last ruined debris of the […]

SAN FRANCISCO – In an effort to reverse the tide on company revenue amidst heavy critique from shareholders last quarter, Uber made the announcement earlier today that they will be offering 25% off fares in exchange for the scalp of a Lyft driver. Lucky for rideshare enthusiasts who always on the go, getting this discount […]

Listen up you pitiful pimply children, you may listen to me and stare upon my visage, but you will NEVER be me. How many books have you written? How many have you edited? I didn’t think so. I’ve have six. Have you even read six books you ignorant nincompoop? Did you know that I was […]

All we ever hear about nowadays from the screaming shrill left is sexist this, sexist that. Everything is sexist nowadays! Work is sexist; schools are sexist; pets are probably sexist; patriarchy this, patriarchy that, there is sexism everywhere! Well today I’m gonna tell you the truth about one of the big places that the REAL […]

In a surprise reversal after years of presidential tradition, President Trump replaced all the bowling balls in the White House with tennis balls that look like bowling balls. This shocking shake up is coming after years of presidents and staffers alike enjoying normal bowling balls of ordinary bowling ball sizes. Reports from inside the White […]

Oh great guardian of conservatism! Come forth from the depths of thou supply side. I summon thee President Ronald Reagan. Speak! Let me see thy face!     I have crossed the lands far and wide. Reagan Reagan on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?     Is it Ted Cruz? He […]

In society, women are rarely given equal pay or proper representation in positions of power, but once in a while, a strong progressive is adamant about treating men and women equally. This man is exactly that, he is a serial killer who targets men and women equally. According to numerous reports and research, serial killers […]