ATLANTA, GA — Saying “a lot of stuff just came up,” Sophomore Aaron Sergio (COL ’17) informed assembled reporters that his objective of getting into shape over the two week winter break was going to be condensed into tomorrow, January 5th. “I had a pretty detailed, twice a day work out regimen in mind throughout […]

VATICAN CITY – Following a three day back-to-back marathon of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s documentary television program Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, Pope Francis announced to reporters Wednesday his intention to demolish the historic St. Peter’s Basilica to make room for a new planetarium.   Known for his attempts at modernizing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis explained […]

EUGENE, OR — As Georgetown University’s winter break enters the home stretch, many students are pushing their bodies’ paleness to the limits to achieve the coveted “Netflix tan” from the glowing screen of their computers. “I just want to come back to school with the ideal level of cringe-inducing pastiness. When people look at me […]

ALEXANDRIA, VA — A Student Neighborhood Assistance Program (SNAPs) Officer visiting his mother’s house in Virginia reportedly broke up his family’s New Year’s party shortly after midnight. Many of the partygoers, roughly two dozen members of the DeKalb family, discreetly exited through the back door after Duncan DeKalb informed the hosts that the family gathering […]

2014 was the year that Hoyas needed heart. Amidst the cancellation of Tombs Wine Nights, the threat of strict new snow day policies, and the not-so-subtle exile of all Henle Village residents, sometimes life on the Hilltop could only be brightened by a particularly friendly face – or rather, one of three friendly faces. After […]

MADISON, WI — Following almost three consecutive months of looking at his phone in cool weather, Sophomore Taylor Fairbanks (COL ’17) has been reportedly “very much looking forward” to staring at his phone in a new, warmer location in a few days. “When my family first said we were going to Puerto Rico over winter […]

TACOMA, WA — Since returning home over ten days ago from Georgetown, Freshman and Corp new hire Darren Ryan (SFS ’18) expressed confusion to reporters that his social status among his high school classmates has not budged since his employment as a cashier with More Uncommon Grounds (MUG) began in September. “I don’t get it, […]