We get it: You LOVE horses. We do too. And we’ve got some pretty freakin’ good news: The four horsemen of the apocalypse are here, and their handsome stallions have lustrous, flowing manes! “Impossible!” you might cry out. We’ll say it again: these horses are handsome. The first one’s name is “Pestilence” and he is […]

Environmentalists tell us that we need to stop using fossil fuels and submit to draconian regulation to “save the world for our children.” But what right do children have to our natural resources? They’re small, weak and have no money to buy them with. Asking us to conserve now is just redistributing potential wealth now […]

Dearest Margaret, my friend of all friends, We have known each other for over three long years now. I fondly recall meeting you in our pro-seminar freshman year and the delicate shared moments that led us down the path towards friendship. I consider you one of my closest comrades, most trusted confidants, and best of […]

They Don’t Make ‘Em Like This Anymore! 5 Deceased People You Just Can’t Find Today There has been a lot of controversy about the Millennial generation’s effect on society, but one thing that is indisputable is the fact that older generations had one thing that millennials do not: people born before the 1980’s. Here’s a […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. At approximately 4:45 this afternoon, the warlord stomach of student David Michaels (MSB’20) made its desire for tribute known, releasing a loud and lengthy rumble that elicited looks of both disgust and concern from nearby students. This is not the first time such an event has occurred. In fact, these demands have been […]

WASHINGTON, DC. It’s as we all suspected: every Uber driver on Earth is just on one, big conference call. Drivers report that the purpose of the conference call is to have a big old laugh at all the rich idiots using the service. As one Uber driver, Daniel McTorrley, stated, “whenever you see one of […]

Your freshman year friend group, remember them?! There was Sabrina, the silly one. Laurene, the hilarious one. Brendan, the one from Iowa (Cool!) and of course, David, the loveable one. They were so fun, so cool, so chic. But it’s been a few years since you were all on Darnall 4 together, and you’re probably […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Uh-oh! Looks like Lincoln got out of his massive stone seat at the Memorial for just, like, one minute and then this kid took it. Tough luck! That’s what happens when you forget to call dibs, Mr. Lincoln. “Well, shit,” Lincoln’s hundred-foot-tall stony likeness told the Heckler while glancing around for another […]