In an effort to engage Americans in international politics, the United Nations and Snapple have teamed up to create a series of limited edition “Real-er Facts” caps that are designed to inform the public on current events. One such cap reads, “There’s no easy solution in the Middle East.” António Guterres, UN Secretary General, stated […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. This past week the Student Activities Commission held a vote on whether or not to defund LoveSaxa. The commission eventually resolved to go the extra mile to ensure their place on the wrong side of history. “Really, this one is a no-brainer,” said Martin Garrett (COL ’20), LGBTQ+ activist, “all you had to […]

HENLE VILLAGE. Sources confirmed that while cheering on the boys at the big game this weekend, Henle residents were abuzz over rumors that the Village Council had approved construction on a new Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill & Bar. “Boy, it’s been a long time since we’ve had a new restaurant open here. But let’s just say […]

Have you ever woken up at 4:50 am screeching at the top of your lungs because you can’t for the life of you remember if you’re supposed to be delivering our nation’s mail? Do you frequently black out in public and see paralyzing visions of undelivered packages and envelopes coming to exact their revenge on […]

WASHINGTON. Area man Craig Towson would like to make clear that his obnoxious behavior, as phallocentric as it may seem, is in no way linked to his small penis. While sources confirm that his penis is indeed quite unremarkable and in many senses disappointing, his many other insecurities clearly trump this one. One would only […]

NEW SOUTH. In his semi-annual return to campus, campus’s very own Bill “Big Dog” Clinton was reported to have been smoking marijuana with current students. Returning from Hoya Snaxa with sour spaghetti and a slim jim, our reporters were able to secure a quick interview with the former president. “Shit’s a lot stronger now,” said […]

Only hath we seen six new years pass round since our hero’s death, Yet ye sinners hath already forgotten him and returned to lechery. Thus, I return ye now to that day, upon which we found him dead In his corral.   Lonesome George they called him; And yet how lonesome is he now, sinners?! […]

He’s done it again. Your careless housemate, Brad, has left all of his dirty dishes in the sink. You’ve told him time and time again that this is unacceptable, sent countless text messages, and even wrote a passive aggressive email and cc’d ALL your housemates, even though you were clearly talking just about Brad. Nothing […]