BROWN HOUSE — Following the dance floor make out (“DFMO”) between freshman Kimberley Harper (COL ’18) and Jack Cartcher (SFS ’18), Saturday night’s Brown House party grew socially uneasy as all participants had already hooked up with each other. All 215 party-goers independently confirmed to the Heckler that they had previous no-strings attached sexual interactions […]
JACKSON HOLE – Admitting that he “hasn’t really been following college basketball that closely” over the past couple of years, incoming freshman Joshua Sanders (COL ’18) recently told reporters that he is “looking forward to the Men’s basketball season this fall.” With the last six years of utter calamity and futility not on his radar, […]
GONDA THEATRE — In what observers are celebrating as “a massive prevention of bloodshed,” the seven Georgetown a cappella factions agreed early this week to an uneasy truce. A last minute power sharing agreement at the Gonda Theatre between the Phantoms, Saxatones, and Chimes prevented the already volatile situation from sliding into further chaos. Although […]
Less than two weeks into his first semester, freshman Timothy McPherson (SFS ’18) delivered a rousing oration yesterday in Leo O’Donovan Dining Hall about how he would “fix” Georgetown to his classmate over lunch. “I said something about how the chicken was kind of dry, and that just seemed to set him off,” said Chris […]
PARIS — Wendy Christensen (COL ’16) had been anticipating what many consider the most important moment of studying abroad at the Sorbonne ever since she submitted her application last spring: a new profile picture. She arrived in Paris, France one week ago, moved into her new dorm and purchased her first gluten-free croissant. “I seriously […]
Riggs Library — Amid much fanfare and celebration sophomores Ana Kinsley (NHS ’17) and Morgan Everdeen (SFS ’17) formally signed a like exchange agreement on Tuesday in Riggs Library. At a joint press conference following the signing, Kinsley and Everdeen stressed the significance of the event in “exponentially boosting social media image” for both parties. […]
M STREET — Local reports have come in that the Howard family spent over one-third of its family vacation to Washington D.C. in line at local snack shop Georgetown Cupcake. Speaking via phone after returning home to Jackson Hole, Wyoming family patriarch Eric Howard described the trip as “awesome” and “everything the guidebooks produced by […]