Features
NSO’s “Hoya SurrealTalk” Offers Freshmen a Dialogue About Implications of Surrealism on Life In College
By Ed Nonymous | August 31, 2015
GASTON HALL — In an attempt to showcase to first year students the ways in which the early 20th century artistic movement pervades almost every aspect of the undergraduate experience, New Student Orientation’s “Hoya SurrealTalk” staged a 45-minute long exhibition followed by a small group discussion. “I always knew surrealism was going to be a […]
Exploding $220,000: The New College Alternative
By Phil Clinton | March 9, 2015
HEALY – Coinciding with the massive spike in the cost of higher education, along with the growing prospects of underemployment, thousands of American high school seniors have opted to explode upwards of $200,000 as a better use of their money. “Explosions are fucking sweet,” explained 18 year old Charlie Burns, a graduating high […]
Diplomatic Ball To Be Held In ICC Bathroom Following Budget Cuts
By Mr. E. Mann | March 6, 2015
ICC—The Planning Committee for the 90th Annual Diplomatic Ball announced yesterday that because of budget cuts, the Diplomatic Ball will take place in a first-floor ICC bathroom. “We’re doing our best to save money by holding the event on campus this year,” said spokesperson Jenna Coleman (MSB ’15). “We feel that the easy access to […]
Junior Reports Self to be “Next Springsteen” After Learning ‘Wonderwall’
By D. Joya | December 1, 2014
LXR – Six hours after picking up his new guitar from the LXR RHO Junior Thomas Flint (COL ’16) reported himself to the Heckler as the “next Bruce Springsteen”. Flint described his mastery of the hit-song, Wonderwall (originally by Oasis) to reporters as “arduous” and as an “expression of soul.” The musician reported […]
Sigma Phi Epsilon Brother Describes His Chronic Erectile Dysfunction as “Classic”
By Devyn | September 11, 2014
PINK HOUSE — In an attempt to maintain high spirits in lieu of the ability to maintain an erection, Sigma Phi Epsilon (SigEp) brother Sebastian Wilner (SFS ’15) described his persistent erectile dysfunction as “classic” last Thursday, sources confirmed. Following what has been described to The Georgetown Heckler as a “total rager,” Willner allegedly removed […]
All-Knowing Freshman Already Understands How to Fix Georgetown
By Ian Cognito | September 9, 2014
Less than two weeks into his first semester, freshman Timothy McPherson (SFS ’18) delivered a rousing oration yesterday in Leo O’Donovan Dining Hall about how he would “fix” Georgetown to his classmate over lunch. “I said something about how the chicken was kind of dry, and that just seemed to set him off,” said Chris […]