NEW SOUTH HALL – Friends of new couple Jack Rodgers and Donna Goodwin have called authorities to report a potentially dangerous situation developing. Due to the relationship’s hasty creation and the fact that the couple’s entire friend group is based on collectively living on the same floor, police chief Jay Gruber has advised all students to remain clear of New South 4 until the situation is defused.

“For whatever reason they thought it would be smart to get together,” said mutual friend Amanda Cooley (COL ’22). “I mean we do all hang out everyday and we thought it was cute at first. But I can hear them fighting every night through these thin cinder block walls we used to call home… oh god, they’re gonna bring us all down with them, aren’t they?”

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said Rodgers. “We’re a great couple. Sure we have our differences, but all couples fight every waking moment they’re together – it’s called communication. Besides, even if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just go back to being friends and it’ll be totally normal.”

This story is developing and will be updated as soon as Jack finds out that Donna is at Leo’s without him.