WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking turn of events, President Barack Obama delivered his two weeks’ notice earlier today. The POTUS thanked Janet from H.R. after handing her his letter of resignation, and then informed his secretary that he would be taking the afternoon off. “It’s been a good run, but it’s a new year, […]

LAUINGER LIBRARY – An outpouring of support and condolences has been the heartwarming response from the family and friends of Georgetown freshman Ben Levinson, who by all reports and social media updates, has a final exam tomorrow that he is “totally screwed for.” “It’s cumulative,” lamented Levinson in a series of Tweets from the Lau […]

If you’re like most well-meaning Americans, you’ve spent every morning since October 7th, 2016 replacing  your morning shower with a close reading of 40-50  Wikileaked emails of John Podesta, chairman of the Clinton 2016 campaign. And, if you’re like most perceptive Americans, you’re starting to see some dots reveal themselves to you – formless, perturbing dots just begging to […]

NEW CANAAN, CT — After a long day of paperwork and a few loads of laundry, local mom Janet Milner declared she still “just needed to finish up a few things” before getting ready for dinner. “I figured I’ll be fun mom and let the kids order in dinner tonight while I schedule ballet practice,” […]

DARNALL — Late Monday afternoon, freshman Jeffrey Reddick (COL ’20) emerged from the basement of Darnall beaming with an ear-to-ear grin and an armful of bedding. “I thought I’d never do it, but the day is finally here. This must be what living on your own is really like,” said Reddick, who also has two […]

“This guy’s operating on another fuckin’ level,” said one onlooker as the senior created a dual line graph.

LAND WITHOUT TIME — On what should have been a regular afternoon tour for Blue and Gray veteran tour guide Martha Anderson (COL ’16), things quickly got out of hand. “I was just doing our regular route, right out White Gravenor and through to Copley Lawn, but when I turned to get onto the lawn…” […]

REISS — As the clock neared 6:10 PM this Thursday in Reiss, multiple students reported that it looked like ethics Professor Joanne Martin was going to keep lecturing right up to the last fucking minute. “Oh god, he’s introducing a new topic with only 5 minutes left in class. There’s no way this guy lets us bail even […]

WHITE GRAVENOR — On Tuesday, myopic student Kyle Evans (COL ’18) chose a front row seat in his 9:00 am history class and unintentionally signaled to history professor Dr. Clarissa Collins that he was intellectually invested in, and prepared to discuss, the course material.  “Now, who has any thoughts on the reading?” asked Collins as she locked eyes […]

M STREET, GEORGETOWN — After working through several dry bites of rice and black beans, SFS sophomore Jeff Sadler (SFS ’18) excitedly told sources he had finally hit an enormous guacamole vein running through the center left side of his Chipotle burrito. “It was tough going at, first I’m not gonna lie. When mouthful after mouthful […]