Report Finds Only 82% of Incoming Class Will Become President
By Ed Nonymous | September 6, 2014
GEORGETOWN — In a sobering shock to both the administration and student body, an estimate from the Pew Research Center concluded that only 82% of incoming Georgetown freshman this year will become president. The report, released yesterday, fell well short of the University’s 90% minimum presidency goal for the class of 2018. According to the […]
Wildly Optimistic Roommates Establish Ground Rules for Bringing Girls Back to the Dorm
By Ed Nonymous | September 5, 2014
VILLAGE C WEST — On Thursday evening freshmen roommates Darrel Christmas and John Rodgers sat down to discuss what each considered to be “a very pressing matter.” Showcasing a total lack of awareness for their low position on the desirability scale, a crippling absence of self confidence or experience and lack of clothes that weren’t […]
All Parties Simultaneously Playing “Ignition (Remix)”
By Ed Nonymous | September 4, 2014
WEST GEORGETOWN — A long speculated-about phenomenon occurred this Thursday evening as all 35 pre-games and parties occurring at Georgetown played R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” at the exact same moment. The Geo-Anthropological event, which experts described as having a 12% of happening on any given weekend night, came to fruition as every party, both off […]
In Annual Pagan Ritual, Hundreds of Hoyas Sell Souls to Consulting, Banking Idols
By Ed Nonymous | September 4, 2014
CAWLEY CAREER EDUCATION CENTER — In a Georgetown fall tradition hundreds of upperclassman students signed documents which allowed several prominent banking and consulting firms exclusive possession of students’ souls. Representatives from the Cawley Career Education Center called this year “a smash success in line with past years.” Although The Heckler has yet to see the […]
Well-To-Do Freshman Trashes Leo’s on Yelp!
By Ed Nonymous | September 3, 2014
The Georgetown Heckler has obtained an exclusive transcript of freshman Franco Shaumberg’s (SFS ’18) review of Leo J. O’Donovan Dining Hall. The Yelp! review reads as follows: “First and fore mostly, I cannot accurately discuss with words my disgust with this institution as a whole. From start to finish My disappointment with my Georgetown […]
Raid on Rhino Bar Snares Over-21 Year Old
By Ed Nonymous | September 2, 2014
M STREET — The Metropolitan Police Department temporarily suspended Rhino Bar & Pumphouse’s liquor license after undercover police officers discovered an over-21year old on the bar’s premises last weekend. The D.C. Alcoholic Beverage Control (ABC) Board announced the five revocation of the license this Monday as a part of the police’s ongoing “Keep Adults out […]