ON THE WEB – According to recent insider reports from Intro to Linguistics, Anonymous Chupacabra is completely dominating a presentation group’s Google doc. The source of this information prefers to remain under the alias “Anonymous Liger”, but is confirmed to have legitimate access to the document in question. The group consists of five students, none […]

Politics today have revealed the darkest side of our human nature. The political sphere on all levels is almost irreparably plagued by pride, self-interest, greed, hate, sin – and what’s more, our elected officials seek to drag their loyal constituents into the lowest echelons of hell along with them as they pursue their pagan agendas. […]

OUTER SPACE – Following SpaceX’s momentous launch of the Falcon Heavy rocket this afternoon, local Martian Sator Throg announced to his friends that their Uber would be arriving in approximately one billion light years. “Ugh. I definitely thought about cancelling,” reported Throg, “but the Tesla roadster attached to Earth’s most powerful rocket ever launched was […]

SASKATCHEWAN – The Union of Galleria’s met for their third annual “State of the Galleria” conference at their headquarters in Canada’s third smallest province. Many gallerias were discussed, from the Pemaqua City Galleria and Mall to Yorktown’s Crystal Galleria (a foodcourt). The last item of discussion was Georgetown University’s Intercultural Center Galleria. “It is not […]

WASHINGTON – Amidst a flood of analyses and news reports concerning President Trump’s State of the Union address last night, one particular perspective was published live from the event by its chairs, who succinctly concluded: “OUCH. Relief. OUCH. Relief.” “The night definitely had its ups and downs,” stated the report. “Each time they stood, it was a wave […]

GEORGETOWN, DC — Early Thursday morning, veterans of the infamous all-nighter of 2015 gathered to pay their respects to the members of their Macroeconomics midterm study group that did not survive the gruesome night. The ceremony began with a moment of silence and reflection before the survivors, their faces solemn yet stoic, began the ritual […]

KENSINGTON, LONDON– The Heckler has learned that London billionaire financier George Ainsworth still loves to eat gruel. Since his stunning financial success, Ainsworth has traded out his breeches and tattered newsboy cap for Ferragamo ties and Louboutin loafers; he’s replaced his dilapidated wooden pushcart for a cobalt blue Ferrari spider–yet, he still eats gruel three […]

All of us make New Year’s resolutions but for our readers on the lam from the long arm of the law, things are a little more high stakes. Whether you’re looking to drop a few pounds, eat better, or just avoid those nagging questions about that job you pulled a few years back, these places […]