If you’re like me, you probably have fingernails on your fingers. And if you’re as neurotic as I am then you’ve probably tried to clip them before. . If you’ve tried this, you know that ten different fingers each with its own fingernail means ten different chances for something to go wrong! Aaah! But for a […]

MIAMI, FL – After decades of investigation, a team of forensic scientists and meteorologists have successfully mounted a case against a lone monarch butterfly, convicting the butterfly of killing millions with a single flap of its wings. “We have suspected for some time now that hurricanes could have been caused by something as small as […]

After switching the projector on in order to show a relevant website, a Georgetown professor who wishes to remain anonymous was greeted by mass giggling at his sad, unadventurous choices in pornography. The inevitable explicit banners for popular pornographic portals on either side of the webpage showed, much to the professor’s chagrin, only the most […]

GEORGETOWN – In response to the rampant campus outrage following the inauguration of Donald J. Trump, J. Crew has introduced a new line of spring clothing, aptly titled “Activist-chic.” “What we’ve done,” explained J. Crew Georgetown’s chief brand strategist, Jonathan Turner, “was take some familiar clothing items and tailor them to the fashion-conscious, politically-aware college […]

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, GEORGETOWN – Ever since I arrived on campus three years ago I knew something was afoot. From mysterious underground tunnels to quiet ruminations about secret societies, I suspected this campus had a sinister underbelly and I was determined to find it. Yet several semesters of searching had revealed nothing. Interviews with top University […]

We the students of Georgetown University and the Georgetown Heckler, stand together today in solidarity to demand that the Administration divest any possible endowment holdings in private prisons or Red Lobster franchises. The unethicality of profiting off of the imprisonment of persons and the immorality of seducing customers with Cheddar Bay Biscuits has long been […]

WASHINGTON – Whether you’re currently living in our nation’s capital, or simply have your finger on the pulse of politics, there is an unmistakable tension in the air as we count down the days until what will we be the only monumental news for the United States, the Haitian Election, and not any other unfortunate, […]

In response to recent figures showing a dramatic rise in demand for IUDs since his election, the President Elect released a statement recognizing that “it is understandably difficult for the women of this great nation to cope with the prospect of a President who possesses so many attractive qualities”. Trump affirmed that, while ‘flattered’, “[he] […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking turn of events, President Barack Obama delivered his two weeks’ notice earlier today. The POTUS thanked Janet from H.R. after handing her his letter of resignation, and then informed his secretary that he would be taking the afternoon off. “It’s been a good run, but it’s a new year, […]

LAUINGER LIBRARY – An outpouring of support and condolences has been the heartwarming response from the family and friends of Georgetown freshman Ben Levinson, who by all reports and social media updates, has a final exam tomorrow that he is “totally screwed for.” “It’s cumulative,” lamented Levinson in a series of Tweets from the Lau […]