BURLEITH – Hold onto your seats folks, because sources indicate that late Thursday afternoon, Senior Joseph Barnes (COL ’18) officially announced that this year would be the year that he loses his virginity. “This is it boys,” proclaimed Barnes to a room of acquaintances who were not paying attention. “Victory lap. I can just feel […]

Oh great guardian of conservatism! Come forth from the depths of thou supply side. I summon thee President Ronald Reagan. Speak! Let me see thy face!     I have crossed the lands far and wide. Reagan Reagan on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?     Is it Ted Cruz? He […]

KENNEDY HALL – After coming up empty on each of his first three attempts, sources confirmed that the search for sophomore Ryan Warwick’s keys had reached the final pocket of the history major’s jeans. “I usually keep them in the front-right pocket to counterbalance the weight of my phone in the front-left, so when they […]

HARBIN – This morning Maxwell Crouch (SFS ’21) reportedly shoved a world map poster his roommate bought into an industrial-strength shredder due to the outdated Sudanese borders. It’s the latest in a string of similar incidents with SFS students. Just last week an SFS sophomore ripped several decorative national flags out of Village A windows on […]

Alright. Okay. I can do this. I’ll be strong.   Hello. My name is Todd Olson and this is my story. It was near midnight, and it was raining again. The Healy tower bells tolled loudly, with echoes creeping in from every corner. I was on my nightly shuffle across red square in route to […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – Sources report that local SAE fraternity brother, Donald Pendle (COL ’18), is now just one more lecture on what consent means and how to prevent sexual harassment from finally respecting women. After another series of emails and lectures repeating the common sense message of respecting the bodily autonomy of women, friends of […]

MIAMI, FL. – Irma. The name on everyone’s lips. She’s huge, powerful, and 100% in the spotlight. But who was Irma before all of the attention? How did a little tropical storm suddenly become the headline on the five o’clock news? After a juicy insider tip about Irma’s origins, reporters did some digging in the warm, […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – Sources report that the wise-cracking Philosophy professor is still fervently hoping to be found by hidden talent scouts in his lecture halls. The sources explained that Georgetown professor Isaac Hampton has been continuously updating his just slightly off-color joke catalog for nearly 18 years. “You never know when someone with connections will […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Local newborn is reportedly exhausted after an intense, fast-paced first day. After going into that stressful day ready to learn from experience and colleagues, infant James Garfield has made it known to family and friends that today was just too much of a whirlwind to handle. “We took James on with the […]