GEORGETOWN, D.C. – In a response to multiple accounts of racist graffiti drawn around campus, Georgetown President Jack DeGioia firmly declared that, “at Georgetown, any acts of racism or bigotry will always be met with the sternest of emails.” After swatiskas were found in the elevators in Village C West on Tuesday and LXR on […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – After spending over a century wandering the grounds where New South is now, a particularly unlucky Jesuit ghost has found himself eternally bound to the third men’s toilet stall on the second floor of New South. According to university records, Friar Thomas McDonnell S.J. was buried on the south side of campus […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – Despite having declared the entire 2017-2018 school year as hers, sophomore Anna Daniels (NHS ’20) has still managed to bungle up almost every aspect of her school year so far. “Anna was so confident that this was her year to shine,” said roommate Heather Huang (NHS ’20), “but on her first day […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – After vowing to make affordability a pillar of their administration, GUSA Executives Mack and Andino have finally started bridging the widening economic gap between upper-middle, and upper class students. Not wanting any student with already a moderate amount of wealth to not get the full, height-of-luxury Georgetown experience, GUSA has released discount […]

Is Your Medieval Studies Professor On Sabbatical Or Is He Sealed Inside This Old Mirror? It’s high time section 05 of Medieval Manuscript Cultures 203 knew the truth.   1. When you interrupt your professor in the middle of lecture to say, “Yes, but when are we going to learn about Merlin?” how does he […]

MOSCOW – After some brief meddling in foreign political affairs, Russian Hacker Alexander Nikolov explained that he just wanted to see some cool things happen, and never thought he would distract 300 million Americans from the fact that they live in a broken system. “All I thought was that it would be funny to watch […]

SPRATLY ISLANDS – A new Asia Maritime Transparency Initiative report has some shocking information: Recent satellite images reveal a rad beach party is in the works on newly constructed islands in the South China Sea. Immediately, the international community had concerns. “Do you think I’ll be invited?” asked a bashful Enrique Manalo, the Philippines’ Secretary […]

NEW SOUTH – According to multiple sources, noted campus Republican Jimmy “No Handouts” Irving was spotted taking condoms from Hoyas for Choice. Responding to multiple allegations that Jimmy had brung a girl back to his room, Jimmy claimed, “I don’t really know how it happened, but 20 minutes later she was asking if I had a condom.” […]