REBEL CAMP, THE SILVER KINGDOM – As night fell on rebel tents scattered outside the evil empire’s main city, secondary character Borin of Yorkenshire stared wistfully into the fire, silently doubting his chances of survival heading into the following day’s final battle. “Over the past few weeks, our ragtag team of fighters has managed to […]

HEALY – The Philodemic Society, Georgetown’s debating club, announced Tuesday morning its next debate would be Resolved: Yes. “In the grand traditions of our 175 year old society, we gather to consider the eternal question: on the affirmation, yes, and of course, negating: no,” said Evelyn Mayer (COL ‘18), Philodemic’s president. Members of the club […]

VATICAN – In a surprising shift of Vatican attention, Pope Francis announced Thursday that all Catholics must push the United States Federal Government to audit the Federal Reserve System. Citing a “lack of transparency,” the Pope continued to go into detail about how governance must have the trust of the people. “The decisions that the […]

WASHINGTON – Sighing about a sprinkler malfunction on his lawn that will be a “pricey fix,” the 44th president of the United States of America was spotted walking the full length of his driveway to fetch the paper this morning, dressed only in his bathrobe, a pair of Ugg slippers, and a Grateful Dead tee-shirt. […]

ACROSS THE COUNTRY – The nation was rocked today as over 10 million Patriots fans arose from their hibernation period, which extended back as far as Feb 2, 2015. Scientists have still been unable to explain the nature of these Patriots fans; the only discernible characteristic is that they will only come out for the Super Bowl […]

It’s that time of the year again. Everyone across the nation is lacing up their sneakers, adjusting their hats, slipping into their lucky Bart Simpson socks. These moments are cherished; but no one ever thinks twice about their ritual. That is why this year we at the Heckler don’t just call, but beg, for the nation […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of one of the cutest little protests you ever did see, the Australian children’s music group The Wiggles announced in a press release that they would decline President Donald J. Trump’s invitation to perform at the White House. “We have heard the first words of our infant fans, and they […]

If you’re like me, you probably have fingernails on your fingers. And if you’re as neurotic as I am then you’ve probably tried to clip them before. . If you’ve tried this, you know that ten different fingers each with its own fingernail means ten different chances for something to go wrong! Aaah! But for a […]

MIAMI, FL – After decades of investigation, a team of forensic scientists and meteorologists have successfully mounted a case against a lone monarch butterfly, convicting the butterfly of killing millions with a single flap of its wings. “We have suspected for some time now that hurricanes could have been caused by something as small as […]

After switching the projector on in order to show a relevant website, a Georgetown professor who wishes to remain anonymous was greeted by mass giggling at his sad, unadventurous choices in pornography. The inevitable explicit banners for popular pornographic portals on either side of the webpage showed, much to the professor’s chagrin, only the most […]