LEAVEY CENTER: A policy change made by SAC today altered the HoyaLink Event Application Form, or EAF, to include a 75 foot obstacle course, located on the 3rd floor of the Leavey center. The course, which will include a moat, a tire course, and a CSE worker building a literal stone wall in front […]
If you’re on campus and looking for a good place to publicly stroke your genitals until orgasm, then look no further: ICC 219B is the place for you. Nestled right in the heart of one of the most trafficked buildings on campus, 219B has everything you need to whip it and grip it. The […]
MARY’S- Sophomore Martin Havelly (SFS ’17) has taken advantage of his computer science major to apply for a competitive internship with Robocop. “I just learned how to program in C++, and learning to program quasi-sentient artificial intelligence to help reanimate the bodies of gravely wounded policemen just seemed like the next step.” The […]
LEAVEY CENTER — Citing the need for “more transparent accounting” as well as a desire to see if this “might be just crazy enough to work,” the Center for Student Engagement has replaced all HoyaLink Finance accounts with a single, large abacus kept on the third floor of Leavey. “It’s a really simple concept” said Erika […]
HENLE — According to University officials, a minotaur has taken up residence in the labyrinth outside Henle Village over this past weekend. “I was raised in a labyrinth back home in Crete and just don’t feel at home living anywhere else” said the man-bull hybrid in an interview with The Heckler. “Then I stumbled […]
University President Jack DeGioia announced today that the potential 3rd year meal-plan was no longer in consideration during a press conference with his mother, Elaine. “I heard that my son John has been a little bit mean to some of you” said the elder DeGioia to start the press conference. “Well, he and I had […]
Following a recent email from Housing, The Heckler has compiled the recently released data on how the university grants housing points to students. Base points 3 points: Rising sophomores seeking to live on campus. 4 points: Rising juniors seeking to live on campus. 4.5 points: Rising juniors seeking to live on campus who REEEEALLY want […]
The following excerpts were stolen from the Office of Student Affairs’s “pending disciplinary action” file by the Heckler’s exclusive News Ninjas: Q. Hi there, peer advisor. I’m a new freshman having problems with preregistration, can you help me out? A. Hi there, freshman. Let’s get one thing straight; I’m not your mommy and I’m absolutely […]
Following a recent policy change barring students from owning cars on or near campus except in special circumstances, the ANC voted today to just simplify the process and erect a wall between 35th and 36th streets, ensuring that students not spillover their “noisy, beer-sodden lifestyles” into the upper class neighborhood. The policy was made without […]