VITAL VITTLES — Junior Matt Roth’s (SFS ’16) hopes to flirt with cashier Molly Hyde (COL, ’16) at Vital Vittles were rendered impossible with his purchase of approximately 12 rolls of toilet paper. At 1:30 pm on Monday, Roth approached the check-out counter with both arms wrapped around two six-packs of Charmin extra-durable toilet paper […]

HARIRI — Senior Garrett Carter (COL ’15), who recently accepted a federal lobbying position from the Exxon Mobil Corporation, told reporters he is “ready and excited to get out there and be a part of the problem.”   Carter, a government major, said he was acutely aware of the large influence that multi-national corporations have […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR — Following pre-registration, Senior Diana Sims (SFS, ’15) says she “can’t wait” for the opportunity to read Buzzfeed during a class taught by the Distinguished Professor of Diplomacy and former Secretary of State, Madeleine K. Albright. “I’m a senior, and I’ve been trying to get into this course for a while now,” said Sims. […]

LAU — Calling it a “huge blown opportunity”, sophomore Jason Wells (COL ’17) forgot to tell his peers about spending last Saturday afternoon in Lauinger Library. Wells said he is “really upset” that he missed “such a great opportunity” to feign self-discipline and commitment to academics to his peers.   “The amount of pity I could […]

GASTON HALL – This Monday, the Georgetown University Lecture Fund announced that God will deliver the introductory speech for the much anticipated Hillary Clinton remarks on women’s role in business on Thursday.   “We’re thrilled that God can find time in his busy schedule to introduce the former secretary of state before she addresses a […]