In this world, you can be one of two things: a hottie lamattie or a cutie patootie. Which will you be? Take this quiz to find out!   (1.) Your alarm goes off. You’ve set it wrong, and you don’t have class for another hour and a half. What do you do?   Get […]

  Service Request ID: 154510 Requested By: STEVENSON, MICHAEL – MRS354 Date Requested: The day she broke my heart Site Name: The barren wasteland that is dating in the 21st Building Name: Lau 3 (I’ll be the student openly weeping) Request Type: Comfort, love, a little bit of TLC Problem Type: Me. Always me. Description: […]

GEORGETOWN – The Healy Clock Tower struck 9 AM yesterday, Monday, April 8th, in the year of our Lord two thousand and nineteen and, as such, The Reckoning is upon us: Live Registration has begun, and The Bulldog must be appeased.   Previously, the University Registrar has been able to minimize carnage and loss of […]

GEORGETOWN – Students were shocked and confused this morning when reporting for classes in Georgetown’s own White-Gravenor Hall. This was primarily because White-Gravenor, which has stood at the Northern end of Copley Lawn since being finished in 1933, is no longer there, having been lost to Thayne McCulloh, President of Gonzaga University, in a hand […]

GEORGETOWN. Reporters today were stunned when University President John J. DeGioia sheepishly announced in a press conference that he had “misplaced the endowment” but that he was “sure it’s around here somewhere.” “I don’t know where I could’ve put it,” DeGioia stated before taking questions. “I’ve checked all the usual spots. Under my car seats, […]

BURLEITH. At around four o’clock this afternoon, Georgetown senior Kyle Wallace returned to his home in Burleith to find his housemate, fellow senior David McDaniels, lying dead following what appeared to be an extremely colorful overdose of Sharpie sniffing. The scene was described by on-site police as “horrifying, yet splendorous – like a great fallen […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. At approximately 4:45 this afternoon, the warlord stomach of student David Michaels (MSB’20) made its desire for tribute known, releasing a loud and lengthy rumble that elicited looks of both disgust and concern from nearby students. This is not the first time such an event has occurred. In fact, these demands have been […]

He’s done it again. Your careless housemate, Brad, has left all of his dirty dishes in the sink. You’ve told him time and time again that this is unacceptable, sent countless text messages, and even wrote a passive aggressive email and cc’d ALL your housemates, even though you were clearly talking just about Brad. Nothing […]