LEVEY CENTER- In a 25-1 vote Georgetown University Student Association instituted a temporary new student greeting that mandates students begin any interaction with the phrase: “hey, how was your break?” The mandatory greeting is expected to be imposed for at least one week, but could extend further for awkward conversations with rarely- seen acquaintances. “This […]
VERIZON CENTER- Markel Starks and the Hoyas pulled out a nail bitter against visiting opponent Visitation Prep. “You know it was pretty crazy to be out there playing against my alma matter [Visitation Prep], but Iʼm proud of the heart we played with,” said Starks. “We never gave up.” Starks dropped 23 and junior Joshua […]
NORTH POLE – More than 40 students marched to the North Pole from Red Square this past weekend to a present petition on labor standards to Santa Claus. “Every year millions of Georgetown students go home over winter break to open presents and no one stop and thinks about where these presents are coming from […]
RIGGS LIBRARY- This past weekend University President John DeGoia held a fundraising dinner in Riggs Library as a special thank you to donors who had made significant contributions to the Universityʼs endowment. “I want to thank each and everyone of you for your generosity,” said DeGoia, “Because of your help, we are well on our […]
Georgetown students rejoiced this week following an announcement from Wisemiller’s Grocery & Deli that the store will now be offering free delivery by means of drones. Long a favorite of Georgetown students, “Wisey’s”—as the deli is affectionately called—is famous for its popular sandwiches, including the Burger Madness, the Chicken Madness, and the Hot Chick. Yet […]
Georgetown DPS officers arrested the entire staff of the University Information Services yesterday after it was discovered that the department was in fact a front for a major phishing scam. University administrators estimate that in the last three months, UIS gained access to the personal information of over 3,000 students through a carefully-organized campaign of […]
HARBIN – Preliminary reports indicate that Georgetown student Tim Hopkins (COL ’17), is, for some reason, really excited about staying on campus over Thanksgiving break. In contrast to the vast majority of Hoyas who will be returning home for Thanksgiving to spend time with family and friends, Hopkins will reportedly be spending the entirety of […]
To combat the new H*yas for Choice Condom Delivery Service, which some fear may lead to an increase in instances premarital sex, Georgetown’s Jesuit community is instituting a new rapid-action Abstinence Convincing Service for parties. The Heckler interviewed the director of the program, Fr. Dennis Holligan, SJ, in his office in Wolfington Hall. His office […]
The Georgetown community has been rocked by the controversial emergence of the new club, **** for ******. The organization’s mission statement reads that it is committed to ensuring that all **** have access to ******. The campus has restricted access to ****** in the past but seems to be relenting given the pressure from a growing […]
Georgetown University landmark Lauinger Library has been selected as a primary location for a remake of George Orwell’s 1984, sources confirm. One of two remaining examples of New Brutalist architecture left in the District of Columbia, Lauinger’s unrelenting ugliness perfectly conveys the bleakness of Orwell’s dystopian vision. “It really is our dream location,” the director […]