BURLEITH. At around four o’clock this afternoon, Georgetown senior Kyle Wallace returned to his home in Burleith to find his housemate, fellow senior David McDaniels, lying dead following what appeared to be an extremely colorful overdose of Sharpie sniffing. The scene was described by on-site police as “horrifying, yet splendorous – like a great fallen […]

DARNALL HALL. A groundbreaking study from the National Institute of Health rocked Georgetown’s Student Health Services late last night, inciting major controversy with its claim that the price paid for the accuracy of rectal thermometers is several minutes of excruciatingly awkward chit chat. This was a blow below the belt to the Georgetown medical community, […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. The Georgetown Genetics department released a report Monday that 50% of Hoyas inbreed with other Hoyas. After years of research, the research team has produced the first comprehensive account of the heinous side effects of Hoyas’ high intermarriage rate. The research team was headed by Dr. Lucas Sullivan, director of the Genetics department […]

We get it: You LOVE horses. We do too. And we’ve got some pretty freakin’ good news: The four horsemen of the apocalypse are here, and their handsome stallions have lustrous, flowing manes! “Impossible!” you might cry out. We’ll say it again: these horses are handsome. The first one’s name is “Pestilence” and he is […]

Environmentalists tell us that we need to stop using fossil fuels and submit to draconian regulation to “save the world for our children.” But what right do children have to our natural resources? They’re small, weak and have no money to buy them with. Asking us to conserve now is just redistributing potential wealth now […]

Dearest Margaret, my friend of all friends, We have known each other for over three long years now. I fondly recall meeting you in our pro-seminar freshman year and the delicate shared moments that led us down the path towards friendship. I consider you one of my closest comrades, most trusted confidants, and best of […]

They Don’t Make ‘Em Like This Anymore! 5 Deceased People You Just Can’t Find Today There has been a lot of controversy about the Millennial generation’s effect on society, but one thing that is indisputable is the fact that older generations had one thing that millennials do not: people born before the 1980’s. Here’s a […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. At approximately 4:45 this afternoon, the warlord stomach of student David Michaels (MSB’20) made its desire for tribute known, releasing a loud and lengthy rumble that elicited looks of both disgust and concern from nearby students. This is not the first time such an event has occurred. In fact, these demands have been […]