WASHINGTON – Sighing about a sprinkler malfunction on his lawn that will be a “pricey fix,” the 44th president of the United States of America was spotted walking the full length of his driveway to fetch the paper this morning, dressed only in his bathrobe, a pair of Ugg slippers, and a Grateful Dead tee-shirt. […]

ACROSS THE COUNTRY – The nation was rocked today as over 10 million Patriots fans arose from their hibernation period, which extended back as far as Feb 2, 2015. Scientists have still been unable to explain the nature of these Patriots fans; the only discernible characteristic is that they will only come out for the Super Bowl […]

It’s that time of the year again. Everyone across the nation is lacing up their sneakers, adjusting their hats, slipping into their lucky Bart Simpson socks. These moments are cherished; but no one ever thinks twice about their ritual. That is why this year we at the Heckler don’t just call, but beg, for the nation […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of one of the cutest little protests you ever did see, the Australian children’s music group The Wiggles announced in a press release that they would decline President Donald J. Trump’s invitation to perform at the White House. “We have heard the first words of our infant fans, and they […]

If you’re like me, you probably have fingernails on your fingers. And if you’re as neurotic as I am then you’ve probably tried to clip them before. . If you’ve tried this, you know that ten different fingers each with its own fingernail means ten different chances for something to go wrong! Aaah! But for a […]

MIAMI, FL – After decades of investigation, a team of forensic scientists and meteorologists have successfully mounted a case against a lone monarch butterfly, convicting the butterfly of killing millions with a single flap of its wings. “We have suspected for some time now that hurricanes could have been caused by something as small as […]

After switching the projector on in order to show a relevant website, a Georgetown professor who wishes to remain anonymous was greeted by mass giggling at his sad, unadventurous choices in pornography. The inevitable explicit banners for popular pornographic portals on either side of the webpage showed, much to the professor’s chagrin, only the most […]

GEORGETOWN – In response to the rampant campus outrage following the inauguration of Donald J. Trump, J. Crew has introduced a new line of spring clothing, aptly titled “Activist-chic.” “What we’ve done,” explained J. Crew Georgetown’s chief brand strategist, Jonathan Turner, “was take some familiar clothing items and tailor them to the fashion-conscious, politically-aware college […]

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, GEORGETOWN – Ever since I arrived on campus three years ago I knew something was afoot. From mysterious underground tunnels to quiet ruminations about secret societies, I suspected this campus had a sinister underbelly and I was determined to find it. Yet several semesters of searching had revealed nothing. Interviews with top University […]

We the students of Georgetown University and the Georgetown Heckler, stand together today in solidarity to demand that the Administration divest any possible endowment holdings in private prisons or Red Lobster franchises. The unethicality of profiting off of the imprisonment of persons and the immorality of seducing customers with Cheddar Bay Biscuits has long been […]