NEW SOUTH — Citing two weeks of fruitless advances on Georgetown’s female population, Freshman Aidan Johnson (MSB ’18) decided to take drastic action to mask his failures from his peers. After failing to entice floor mate Hannah Sanders (COL ’18) to return with him to his room on the fourth floor of New South Saturday […]

VCW RHO — Saying that she “just wanted to make sure” her daughter was doing fine in her first month of school, the mother of freshman Nicki Salzburg (COL ’18) decided to send herself in her first package. Opting against using one of the pre-planned University care packages, Veronica Smoot-Salzburg decided the best way to […]

LXR — While regaling each other with stories of U Street concerts and hallucinogen usage, a small gathering of Georgetown’s self-proclaimed hipsters announced to the Heckler that their social circle had decided to begin following Georgetown’s alcohol policy, ironically. The group explained that “like, literally, no one follows the University’s rules on alcohol. What better […]

RED SQUARE — As construction equipment slowly begins to choke off access to Reiss walkway, students came together to share memories of hurrying to class over the famed concrete slabs. The walkway, a vital causeway connecting Burleith, Henle, Darnall and the Leavey Center with the rest of campus, was fatally diagnosed last year with “standing […]

BROWN HOUSE — Following the dance floor make out (“DFMO”) between freshman Kimberley Harper (COL ’18) and Jack Cartcher (SFS ’18), Saturday night’s Brown House party grew socially uneasy as all participants had already hooked up with each other. All 215 party-goers independently confirmed to the Heckler that they had previous no-strings attached sexual interactions […]

JACKSON HOLE – Admitting that he “hasn’t really been following college basketball that closely” over the past couple of years, incoming freshman Joshua Sanders (COL ’18) recently told reporters that he is “looking forward to the Men’s basketball season this fall.” With the last six years of utter calamity and futility not on his radar, […]

GONDA THEATRE — In what observers are celebrating as “a massive prevention of bloodshed,” the seven Georgetown a cappella factions agreed early this week to an uneasy truce. A last minute power sharing agreement at the Gonda Theatre between the Phantoms, Saxatones, and Chimes prevented the already volatile situation from sliding into further chaos. Although […]