WASHINGTON, DC – On Friday morning, U.S. House of Representatives Speaker-Billwriter John Boehner (R-OH) announced he would be “taking a break” from the House of Representatives to work on his own solo legislation projects.  “It’s not about fame, it’s all about creative differences,” said Boehner has he handed flyers to his upcoming self-made appropriations drafts.  “The rest of the […]

WASHINGTON D.C.- As a sign of friendship and a warning to anyone thinking about challenging his infallible might, Pope Frances offered the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception seven holy relics of those who dared cross him in a Catholic mass Wednesday. The relics, consisting of two fingers, two skull fragments, a […]

HARBIN HALL – Following months of “constructive dialogue” between Georgetown University and the surrounding neighborhood, Vice President of Planning and Facilities Robin Morey announced Friday that the university plans to eliminate Georgetown-bound GUTS bus routes by the end of the fall semester. The plan seeks to strand roughly 2,000 students in areas of DC from […]

As a parent, I get your concern. Something about a disgruntled-looking older gentleman photographing an elementary school playground looks out of place.  At the same time, it’s my lunch break, and I’m not going to let you or your PTA cronies keep me from my sweetheart. Listen, I would never harm a child. I’m just […]

To The Hoya: We’ve received the news that you have kidnapped our former managing editor, Connor Rohan (COL ’16).  The blood sample you sent to our office, though excessive, was sufficient for us to confirm his identity.  You must understand, though, that as a public figure he is no longer of any value to us.  He has no […]

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – By now, we are sure you have heard of the stolen vacuum from the office of The Hoya.  The Heckler takes full responsibility for the theft and is holding the vacuum until further notice.  This photograph was taken at approximately 1:30 p.m. on Wednesday, September 16th 2015 of the “Eureka” vacuum in […]

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – At a campaign stop in Cedar Rapids on Monday, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush ended his stump speech with a national call to action, prioritizing the location and safe return of a Hot Wheels toy car he once loaned to his brother, former president George W. Bush.   “Now, I’m not going […]

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