Valentine’s Day 2017 is filled with dread for a certain long neglected Georgetown University Work Order, who faces yet another February 14th alone. The disinterest of the facilities department stings the worst during the Valentine’s season, bringing up nostalgia for the bygone days of chivalry when maintenance requests were treated with compassion and respect. We are all reminded of […]

CAPITOL HILL – Gridlock continues for a third straight day in the Capitol as senators huddle around Lindsay Graham’s computer hoping to find out their next move. “We have a tight situation,” remarked Virginia Senator, Mark Warner. “We’re here trying to get the business of the nation done, but until Sarah posts her next status […]

Ever since the Inauguration of Our 45th President, Donald J. Trump, the nation has been shaken by protests against our fairly elected president (yes, liberals, the Electoral College is fair! We are Republic, not a Democracy, so working the system to get our man at the top is legal! Deal with it!).  In particular, the […]

Washington D.C. – Multiple sources are reporting today that 83 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has decided to leave the safety of the courthouse and descend the long and icy staircase outside without even using the railing. “Oh god, she’s still got fifty stairs left to go. Even for a young person […]

REBEL CAMP, THE SILVER KINGDOM – As night fell on rebel tents scattered outside the evil empire’s main city, secondary character Borin of Yorkenshire stared wistfully into the fire, silently doubting his chances of survival heading into the following day’s final battle. “Over the past few weeks, our ragtag team of fighters has managed to […]

HEALY – The Philodemic Society, Georgetown’s debating club, announced Tuesday morning its next debate would be Resolved: Yes. “In the grand traditions of our 175 year old society, we gather to consider the eternal question: on the affirmation, yes, and of course, negating: no,” said Evelyn Mayer (COL ‘18), Philodemic’s president. Members of the club […]

VATICAN – In a surprising shift of Vatican attention, Pope Francis announced Thursday that all Catholics must push the United States Federal Government to audit the Federal Reserve System. Citing a “lack of transparency,” the Pope continued to go into detail about how governance must have the trust of the people. “The decisions that the […]

WASHINGTON – Sighing about a sprinkler malfunction on his lawn that will be a “pricey fix,” the 44th president of the United States of America was spotted walking the full length of his driveway to fetch the paper this morning, dressed only in his bathrobe, a pair of Ugg slippers, and a Grateful Dead tee-shirt. […]

ACROSS THE COUNTRY – The nation was rocked today as over 10 million Patriots fans arose from their hibernation period, which extended back as far as Feb 2, 2015. Scientists have still been unable to explain the nature of these Patriots fans; the only discernible characteristic is that they will only come out for the Super Bowl […]