OP-ED: I’m Not a Pedophile, I’m Just In Love with This Playground
By Devyn | September 21, 2015
As a parent, I get your concern. Something about a disgruntled-looking older gentleman photographing an elementary school playground looks out of place. At the same time, it’s my lunch break, and I’m not going to let you or your PTA cronies keep me from my sweetheart. Listen, I would never harm a child. I’m just […]
IN RESPONSE TO THE CAPTURE OF MR. ROHAN
By Heckler Staff | September 18, 2015
To The Hoya: We’ve received the news that you have kidnapped our former managing editor, Connor Rohan (COL ’16). The blood sample you sent to our office, though excessive, was sufficient for us to confirm his identity. You must understand, though, that as a public figure he is no longer of any value to us. He has no […]
BREAKING: We Have Stolen The Hoya’s Vacuum
By Heckler Staff | September 16, 2015
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – By now, we are sure you have heard of the stolen vacuum from the office of The Hoya. The Heckler takes full responsibility for the theft and is holding the vacuum until further notice. This photograph was taken at approximately 1:30 p.m. on Wednesday, September 16th 2015 of the “Eureka” vacuum in […]
Bush’s Platform to Include Finding the Hot Wheels George Borrowed Without Asking First
By Phil Clinton | September 7, 2015
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – At a campaign stop in Cedar Rapids on Monday, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush ended his stump speech with a national call to action, prioritizing the location and safe return of a Hot Wheels toy car he once loaned to his brother, former president George W. Bush. “Now, I’m not going […]
Judge Overturns Brady’s Suspension: “He’s just better than I’ll ever be.”
By Phil Clinton | September 4, 2015
NEW YORK, NY – On Thursday, U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman overturned the NFL’s suspension of New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady, who had been sanctioned for his alleged knowing use of underinflating footballs during the 2015 AFC Championship Game, citing his personal inferiority to the Patriots QB. “You’re asking me, regular ol’ Dicky […]
GERMs to Throw Party in Effort to “Cut Out the Middleman”
By Insert Pseudonym Here | September 3, 2015
Normally the last one’s to show up to the party, GERMS, the student-operated emergency medical response team, will be throwing a “primarily ethanol-fueled house banger” in order to reduce their average response time down to 0 minutes. “It’s basic business economics – vertical integration,” explained squad captain Jennifer Knowles (NHS ’15) as she set a […]
NSO’s “Hoya SurrealTalk” Offers Freshmen a Dialogue About Implications of Surrealism on Life In College
By Ed Nonymous | August 31, 2015
GASTON HALL — In an attempt to showcase to first year students the ways in which the early 20th century artistic movement pervades almost every aspect of the undergraduate experience, New Student Orientation’s “Hoya SurrealTalk” staged a 45-minute long exhibition followed by a small group discussion. “I always knew surrealism was going to be a […]
