HENLE VILLAGE. Sources confirmed that while cheering on the boys at the big game this weekend, Henle residents were abuzz over rumors that the Village Council had approved construction on a new Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill & Bar. “Boy, it’s been a long time since we’ve had a new restaurant open here. But let’s just say […]

Have you ever woken up at 4:50 am screeching at the top of your lungs because you can’t for the life of you remember if you’re supposed to be delivering our nation’s mail? Do you frequently black out in public and see paralyzing visions of undelivered packages and envelopes coming to exact their revenge on […]

WASHINGTON. Area man Craig Towson would like to make clear that his obnoxious behavior, as phallocentric as it may seem, is in no way linked to his small penis. While sources confirm that his penis is indeed quite unremarkable and in many senses disappointing, his many other insecurities clearly trump this one. One would only […]

NEW SOUTH. In his semi-annual return to campus, campus’s very own Bill “Big Dog” Clinton was reported to have been smoking marijuana with current students. Returning from Hoya Snaxa with sour spaghetti and a slim jim, our reporters were able to secure a quick interview with the former president. “Shit’s a lot stronger now,” said […]

Only hath we seen six new years pass round since our hero’s death, Yet ye sinners hath already forgotten him and returned to lechery. Thus, I return ye now to that day, upon which we found him dead In his corral.   Lonesome George they called him; And yet how lonesome is he now, sinners?! […]

He’s done it again. Your careless housemate, Brad, has left all of his dirty dishes in the sink. You’ve told him time and time again that this is unacceptable, sent countless text messages, and even wrote a passive aggressive email and cc’d ALL your housemates, even though you were clearly talking just about Brad. Nothing […]

I simply do not believe it: It has been 14 years since the classic comedy-adventure movie ‘Holes’ was first released. Wow. So much has happened in that time! Let’s check back in on the most memorable holes of the movie and see what they’re up to today.     Looking good, man! Believe it or […]

GEORGETOWN, DC President DeGioia delivered a dramatic speech last night, announcing the founding of Georgetown’s fifth school. Adjusting what appeared to be a handmade tissue paper crown, DeGioia revealed that the college would be focused on “the core tenets of a literal arts education”. DeGioia went on to detail the majors that would be included […]

Having trouble ignoring all of this pointless hype about the possible baby between Travis Scott and Kylie Kardashian? Want something important and substantive to focus on? Don’t want to subsume to popular dribble? Fear not, here’s some helpful tips to avoid thinking about the new Kardashian baby. Try mulling over the drama around the Iran […]