Laid Back Professor Signs Embalmed Corpse of Andrew Jackson into Sociology Class
By Ed Nonymous | January 8, 2015
WHITE-GRAVENOR 311— While admitting that the department chair will “probably raise hell about this,” Sociology Professor Bill Valentine waived the course’s enrollment cap and signed the add/drop form of the embalmed corpse of Andrew Jackson to allow the deceased former president to take his “Sociology of Dying” course. “I’ve heard the University’s rationale about cracking […]
“We Need More on Campus Housing,” Says University With Hotel
By Sterling Archer | January 7, 2015
GEORGETOWN HOTEL — In a school-wide address last Tuesday, University President John DeGioia lamented that Georgetown, a university with an on-campus hotel, is in dire need of student housing to meet its 2027 campus plan requirements. Georgetown, whose on-campus hotel is capable of holding over 500 people at a single time, has been forced to cordon […]
Junior Already Has Semester Abroad Boiled Down to Six Words
By Ed Nonymous | January 6, 2015
NEVILS — Within thirty minutes of receiving her key from the LXR RHO, Junior Mary Cosgrove (SFS ’16) reportedly had already condensed her more than four months living in Scotland to six words in conversation. “Really good! Glad to be back,” Cosgrove repeatedly told different acquaintances upwards of a dozen times Tuesday afternoon throughout campus […]
Conservative Professors to Begin Teaching Problem of God in Latin
By John Doe | January 5, 2015
HEALY HALL—In a move to “bring the University back to its Catholic identity,” conservative professors say that they will be conducting Problem of God classes entirely in Latin this semester. The movement is being spearheaded by Professor Gregor the Pius, who when asked for comment, posited, “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetuer” before nodding benevolently […]
Sophomore’s Plan to Get Into Shape Over Break Condensed into One Day
By Ed Nonymous | January 4, 2015
ATLANTA, GA — Saying “a lot of stuff just came up,” Sophomore Aaron Sergio (COL ’17) informed assembled reporters that his objective of getting into shape over the two week winter break was going to be condensed into tomorrow, January 5th. “I had a pretty detailed, twice a day work out regimen in mind throughout […]
Following Cosmos Marathon, Pope Francis Announces Plan to Replace St. Peter’s Basilica with Planetarium
By Blue Sub-Ivy | January 3, 2015
VATICAN CITY – Following a three day back-to-back marathon of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s documentary television program Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, Pope Francis announced to reporters Wednesday his intention to demolish the historic St. Peter’s Basilica to make room for a new planetarium. Known for his attempts at modernizing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis explained […]
Students Pushing Selves to Perfect Ghastly Pale “Netflix Tan” Over Break
By Ed Nonymous | January 2, 2015
EUGENE, OR — As Georgetown University’s winter break enters the home stretch, many students are pushing their bodies’ paleness to the limits to achieve the coveted “Netflix tan” from the glowing screen of their computers. “I just want to come back to school with the ideal level of cringe-inducing pastiness. When people look at me […]
SNAPs Officer Breaks Up Own Family’s New Year’s Party
By Ed Nonymous | January 1, 2015
ALEXANDRIA, VA — A Student Neighborhood Assistance Program (SNAPs) Officer visiting his mother’s house in Virginia reportedly broke up his family’s New Year’s party shortly after midnight. Many of the partygoers, roughly two dozen members of the DeKalb family, discreetly exited through the back door after Duncan DeKalb informed the hosts that the family gathering […]